Bye Bye Blogger

Zach and I got some webspace and I decided to make the switch to Wordpress so that I could also use it to format my website.

You can now follow my posts >here< & find mywebsite at catie.holkerhub.net

Merci beaucoup, mes amis!

-C

"What's alive in you?"

It has taken me quite some time to truly figure out who I am and what makes me tick. As a teenager, and young adult, I've struggled with discerning my own identity and personality. I'm not going to tell you I have it all figured out now, because I certainly don't, but I do want to acknowledge how far I've come. I feel as though I recently made a lot of progress developmentally in relationships, be it with friends, acquaintances, or strangers.

Since moving to Seattle, I've encountered more homeless individuals in the past year than I did in my entire life. For the first few months, I struggled with A) interacting with them, and B) not having my spirits crushed every time I walked by one. Growing up, I was fortunate and privileged enough not to experience much poverty in my neighborhood or my household. It makes me feel vulnerable and naïve to admit my lack of experience with social justice in general, but better late than never, right? As a "poor grad student," I very rarely handed out money to panhandlers, despite my crushing guilt. Each day I'd vow to do something to change this habit, but I never quite knew what to do with my limited resources and knowledge.

Yesterday morning I noticed that a loaf of bread I hadn't touched yet was about to expire. I don't know where the idea came from, but the thought popped into my head that I could give it to homeless individuals on my way to internship downtown that day. I decided to make some peanut butter & jelly sandwiches and include inspirational quotes in the bags.

That was the easy part. The hard part was approaching strangers. I was clueless as to what I should say and how they might react. Another question that crossed my mind was: how was I going to pick and choose the four strangers to offer sandwiches to out of the hundreds that I might see that day?

I walked down to the Seattle waterfront, took a deep breath, and approached a homeless man holding a cardboard sign that said "Anything helps."

"Hi, sir."

"Hi, can you help me?"

"I don't have any change, but I had some extra food in my place. Can I offer you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?"

"Yes, please, thank you so much. God bless. You are kind."

And that was that! The rest of the sandwiches went fast. I actually had 2 individuals turn down my offer, but I guess it's comforting to know that they weren't as desperate as I thought they were. For each sandwich, as I walked away from the person I would turn around and watch as they read the quote. All 4 of them smiled, and some even looked up at me to nod or wave.

After the experience, I felt so incredible. I walked home that day with a genuine bounce in my gait. I know I can't solve homelessness, but if I can make just a tiny dent, and encourage others to help here and there, we can make a difference in the lives of so many people, right in our own communities. Plus, I didn't waste that entire loaf of bread!

I think my decision to hand out sandwiches stemmed unconsciously from the positive experience I've been having at Summer Search Seattle as their intern. Summer Search (SS) is a college access non-profit organization, whose mission is to "find resilient low-income high school students and inspire them to become responsible and altruistic leaders by providing year-round mentoring, life-changing summer experiences, college advising, and a lasting support network." My position there partially entails advising/mentoring high school seniors on their transition to college. One of my first days on the job, I got to meet a lot of the seniors involved with SS at an event where they shared their stories, fears, and future plans. Most of these individuals have endured intense and personal hardships, some I can't imagine experience myself as a 17/18 year old. It was so inspirational to hear about their growth and dedication to improving themselves, and from the first week at this internship I knew my heart would be set on this career.

My supervisor has been an incredible resource, mentor, and friend to me as well; that's another big reason I love this internship. The rest of the staff in the Seattle branch are also incredibly welcoming and kind. I feel as though I fit in well with this crowd, if only because we have in common an innate desire to help people and build community.

I'm finding my niche (FINALLY!). I'm finding my way. I'm finding myself.

I want to help people, but I want to help people in the most meaningful way that I can. Unfortunately, student affairs in general hasn't been fulfilling for me, but I think I've found what I need/want in the college access area. Here I can really make a difference in people's lives, and develop those personal relationships I've always wanted.

Since I'm on the topic of homelessness, I also wanted to reflect about an article I read in Real Change newspaper, whose mission is "to provide opportunity and a voice for low-income and homeless people while taking action for economic justice." The article, titled Ending Homelessness, One Tweet at a Time, was about media guru Mark Horvath. Mark experienced homelessness for quite some time when he lost his job and his home; he now encourages homeless people to use social media to share their stories via invisiblepeople.tv. The article included an interview with him, and there was a quote that struck my heartstrings so hard that I had to put the paper down and grin. This man helped me explain my own sentiment perfectly:

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what's been alive in me lately.

***

A few weeks ago, hubby asked me "What's alive in you?"
I was taken aback by the question. Usually when I come home, he asks "how are you?" "how was your day?" This one made me turn inwards, reflect, and think. What is alive in me? What means the most to me right now in this moment? 

He has asked me the question several times since, and I fall more and more in love with it every time. It makes me think about what's really going on in my head mentally and physically in a certain moment. It forces me be more conscious of my thoughts and intensions. I plan on asking myself this question daily from here on out. 

So, readers: What is alive in you?

Early Summer Reflection

The past few weeks of transition have been intense, but incredibly good for me. In April I was still working two jobs (almost 40 total hours per week), tackling 2 classes, and trying to prepare for my summer internships. Somehow, I managed to earn As in my classes, pull off my last week and last event at my graduate assistantship, and hit the ground running at internships when my summer began the week of June 17th (just two weeks ago!)

I have to say, this summer has been amazing so far. Only 2 weeks in and I'm already smiling ear-to-ear when I come home every day. And not taking summer classes is allowing me to focus on my two internships to pour my heart into and get the most out of them. One of my internships in particular is becoming vital to my professional growth and development. A while ago I thought that I should delve into non-profits, but I didn't really know where to start. Now that I've put some time into one, I'm starting to see the worth, dedication, and passion involved in non-profit environments and I'm definitely starting to figure out  that non-profits are where my heart lies.

It's strange to think that a year ago I thought I'd end up in international education. I even focused a lot of my reading and papers on international students, study abroad best practices, cultural competency, etc. Looking back, I could never picture myself in the international education field quite like I can with non-profits. Thankfully, there are plenty of transferable skills that I will take from this master's program to wherever I end up. Who knows, maybe I'll end up in an international education themed non-profit, if such a thing exists? The best thing is, that I'm okay with wherever I end up. I like having a flexible plan for the future!

The husband and I are still considering the JET program after I graduate from SU. I can't wait until the application is released so we can soak it in and possibly start filling it out. Hard to believe we could be moving to Japan in a year, but I am stoked for the possibility. Zach has been studying his Japanese... I have to get on that!

As you can probably tell, I've been quite happy and inspired lately. I just wish this could translate to my paintings! Having a creativity-block lately has been frustrating, but I hope to pick up the pens/pencils/paintbrushes again soon.

art station

My classmate Evinn, me, and Zach at an end-of-year BBQ

Here's some paintings that I've been working on lately:

Painted this Totodile for my little brother (watercolor)

I do love how this cherry tree turned out! (watercolor)

Gorilla behind bars (pen)

To close this post, a quote to keep in mind:
"Promote what you love instead of bashing what you hate."

Painting

Now that I'm down to 2 grad classes and 1 job, I have time for self-care and I've been healthily giving in to it. For one, Zach and I have been painting a lot. I don't think I'm any good, but it's therapeutic to me playing with the colors.

Here's a few doodles I've done lately, some in collaboration with Zach

acrylic on canvas with Zach (unfinished)

acrylic on canvas

acrylic on canvas with Zach (unfinished)

acrylic on cardboard (unfinished)

acrylic on cardboard

acrylic on cardboard

Watercolor on paper

Practice what you preach

The post title is quite vague for the specific topic I want to talk about today. But I'm keeping it that way because it's a good reminder to all of us to be mindful and intentional about what comes out of our mouths, down to the very vocabulary and jargon we use on a daily basis.

Friends and colleagues: we should NOT be calling the college students that we work with "kids." I realize that this is an easy slip-up for all of us, right next to the "you guys" habit (which I'm STILL trying to break) but there really is no excuse.

Yesterday my division had an in-service, aka professional development opportunity, that focused on strategizing for collaboration across differences. Dr. Rev. Jamie Washington spoke with us for three hours about how to work together and be authentically engaged with multiple identities in the room. It was a fantastic experience, and if you ever get the chance to meet or hear Dr. Washington speak, I highly recommend you jump on the opportunity.

It was Dr. Washington's words that inspired me to write about this topic today. Some say that if you are apathetic to an oppressive act, then you are an oppressor yourself. It is up to you and only you to speak up about injustice. Don't stay quiet so that you can save your reputation and still come off as "nice," because "politeness is one of the glues that keeps oppression alive and well."

I'm curious if some critics would argue that I'm taking this a little far. Do I really think that calling college students "kids" is a form of oppression? Absolutely. College students are already oppressed for their age group. Ever heard of ageism? The privileged population is people aged early 30s to 50s, and the marginalized population is generally anyone who falls outside of that category. College students are stereotyped enough. We can at least do away with hammering down their hopes of being considered an adult by not calling them "kids" anymore.

Here in the student affairs field, we preach a lot about equality, equity, social justice, fairness, and ethics. So if we're going to practice what we preach, we need to quit belittling the population we work with, and quit categorizing them as children, or, as some might claim, baby goats. Despite the fact that many of us will argue that a large portion of college students are far from being adults, they are not "kids" either, and we should stop calling them as such. When you're talking about a group of students, call them students. It's that simple.

Adams, Bell, and Griffin (2007) say that "social justice is both a process and a goal." Be a part of the process, and change your colloquial habits. Work to change the habits of your colleagues as well. There is no reason we should be belittling students in this manner.

Unpaid Internships

As I began my quest to secure 300 hours of internships before June 2014 graduation, I will be completely honest with you, my first thought was MONEY. Are these internships paid, or unpaid? Hourly or stipend? The most important question was whether these internships I've been looking for are paid or unpaid, because, let's face it, how else can I afford rent this summer otherwise?

I don't consider myself a money-centered woman, or very materialistic for that matter. But, as you may or may not know, Zach and I have struggled financially during our first year here in Seattle since moving here from the midwest last June. An understandable condition when you consider the fact that we moved out here with practically just the clothes on our backs, no connections, and no jobs. It was a risk we were willing to take for both adventure and personal growth.

So as I rifle through business cards, information sheets, and websites upon websites of student affairs graduate internships, I can't help but have money on my mind. If I'm working so many hours at an unpaid internship, well when will I find the free time to get another hourly PT job in order to keep us afloat?

I know for a fact that there are thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of other college students and college grads on the internship search with the same concern on their mind. It has made me ponder what their impact is on industries, the economy, and the college student him/herself. Not surprisingly, there are a lot of opinion articles and research studies out there that cover the concept of the internship. A great many of them support unpaid internships, but plenty others disagree with the lack of ethics and accessibility surrounding them.

I personally do not support the idea of unpaid internships, in particular unpaid internships that are 40 hours per week. There is a big difference between a college student interning unpaid just 3 to 14 hours per week to obtain unique career-related experiences and the recent college graduate interning unpaid for 40 hours per week with hardly anything to show for it afterwards.

Let me back up here and clearly indicate that I do understand the importance, value, and unique offerings of unpaid internships. I had an unpaid internship myself during my undergraduate studies. For about 4 months I worked 7 hours per week as an event planner and receptionist for a local mental health clinic.  There, I had the opportunity to network around my college town, gain valuable insight to the mental health field, and interact with seasoned mental health professionals. This internship was a required facet of my Bachelor of Science degree in Community Psychology, and I am glad that it was included in my curriculum. The hours were reasonable, the experience was well worth it, and I learned more than I can ever express.

Undoubtably I will be holding unpaid internships in my future. Right now I am waiting to hear back from a few potential student affairs internship positions for this summer, none of which are paid positions.

I guess my point in all of this is: I do not personally think unpaid internships are good for the individual or the industries they permeate. I think all companies and institutions should value their interns enough to pay them, even if only a stipend. It's more than a matter of monetary compensation for time and effort, but it's also a matter of respect and gratitude. Skyrocketing tuition costs should also be taken into account. With students picking up summer jobs and part-time jobs to offset rising costs of college, where will they find time to pick up an unpaid internship?

An opinion article I came across today reinforced my own opinion on unpaid internships. The article, titled "Unpaid Internships Reinforce American Inequality" (by Clara Ritger) discussed the author's opinion that because students from wealthy families can afford unpaid internships, they are put at a further advantage in the working world than their low-income counterparts, who might not have the option. This is yet another example of institutional/system discrimination that gives the wealthy a leg-up and the low-SES a disadvantage.

It was from Ritger's article where I found out that in 2010 the Obama administration announced plans to crack down on unpaid internships. I wonder where that goal has gone? I certainly haven't heard it discussed by our government recently.

It makes me wonder why there aren't scholarships for unpaid internship opportunities. If the industries and institutions absolutely must continue to offer unpaid internships, there should be opportunities to fund those who wish to pursue them! Just like scholarships, students should be able to apply for aid if they want to accept a rigorous, and/or out-of-state unpaid internship. Wouldn't that be a good idea? Maybe that's my calling. Maybe I'll do something with that someday. I'll let it brew in my mind for a while and come back to it.

I also took a gander at an article titled the The Impact Unpaid Internships Have on the Labor Market from Investopedia.com. There, I found a section on Best Practices for Internships and I'm determined to keep these in mind as I am pursuing my own internships:

• "The student's experience with the employer should emphasize unique job or career related activities that the student could not otherwise obtain outside the specific internship.
• The employer should inform company managers and supervisors of the objectives of the internship program and the presence of the intern.
• The employer should provide a company and worksite orientation that clarifies internal rules, operating procedures, and internship expectations." 

These might seem quite obvious, but I think they are valuable and applicable to any internship in any field. 

As I continue to evolve my own interest in career education and planning, internship discernment is something I will also continue to think about and consider. 

Where I'm at now

There are just 2 weeks left of Winter Quarter. Lucky for me, I finished up one of my classes in January (horay for weekend classes!) so for the past few weeks I've been able to focus on the other two classes I'm taking: Higher Education Law and The American Community College.

This quarter has been a roller coaster ride, to say the least. January was absolutely insane with how much I had on my plate, and how much I filled up all of my work and personal calendars. There was International week at SU, events at SSCC, major projects already due, and then I had weekend class to juggle. I don't think hubby or cat saw me much at all in January. But I'm so glad that's over! I have been able to balance everything much better with just two classes, something I plan to continue practicing so long as I'm working full time. Next quarter, I'm only signed up for two, and they are Leadership in Education 1 and Leadership and Governance of Post-Secondary Education.

I just finished up making major progress on a paper (I know I know, it's Saturday night and I'm working on homework, this is my life now) and I'm hoping to accomplish a little bit more before bed. I can't wait to have free time again. As great as this program is, and as much as I'm learning, I need a little bit more freedom and flexibility in my life!

On top of assignments, I'm also anxiously working on securing an internship for the summer. I have a few promising leads, but I'm still waiting on a few responses from a couple institutions. Cross your fingers for me! There's one I'm really hoping to get in LA for 10 weeks in the summertime :)

Aside from grad school, I have been working on my own happiness and personal growth. I've learned a lot about myself from this grad school experience, and it has made me incredibly reflective. I started reading a book called Anger by Thich Nhat Hanh that has been very eye opening to the way I comprehend and express my emotions. Of course, school readings always come first, so it's taking me a long time to finish, but I already know that I'm going to read more of his work. If anyone has recommendations for me about other reads that are similar, I welcome them with open arms!

Zach found it at a used book store for me :)

In other news, I am looking forward to visiting Milwaukee for the first time since December of 2011, and the first time I'll be in one of the houses I grew up in since May 2011! My flight leaves Seattle on March 27th and I don't come back until April 2nd. I just know that no matter how it goes, this trip home will be a grounding experience. Spending time with my roots, re-defining myself, realizing who I am now and remembering who I was then. I especially cannot wait to spend time with my family and get to know them once again. My brothers have changed so much in the past few years... makes me feel quite old and emotional, to be honest.

For my weekend class this quarter, one of our assignments was to bring an artifact that represents our culture. I brought in a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson:

“Make your own Bible. Select and collect all the words and sentences that in all your readings have been to you like the blast of a trumpet.”

Since that assignment, I have been true to my artifact and have been selecting and collecting the words and sentences that in all my readings have been to me like the blast of a trumpet. I started compiling them on a Tumblog called Quotes Etc. I like that I have a place to compile those quotes, phrases, and lyrics that help me better understand and be comfortable with existence.

Right now, I am thankful we have 2 whole days of weekend. Tomorrow is Sunday and that means pancakes and cartoons with my honey!

Our friend Amoolya from college was in Leavenworth  WA to visit some friends for a few days, and we were so excited she had a whole afternoon of free time to visit with us! We took her all over downtown, Pioneer Square, the Waterfront, and the International District. 

Here's what I'm going to do

I'm going to make it through this week,
no event, person, mishap, or lack of sleep will get me down.
I'm going to make it through this quarter,
regardless of the mountain of work ahead of me.
I'm going to put it all into perspective, do what I have to do
to Keep Moving Forward.

Before I know it, I'm going to be walking across that stage, robes and hood, getting my master's degree.

after that,
the possibilities are endless.

Zach and I have talked about applying for the Peace Corps after I graduate, and the idea looks better and better every day. If we decide to go through with it, we'll have to start our application as early as this summer. With my Spanish language background, I have a good feeling they might want to place us in Latin America, if we're accepted. But who knows? Maybe at the end of 2014 Zach and I will be settling in somewhere in Africa, somewhere in Asia, or Eastern Europe. I don't even care where we go: I just want the opportunity to serve, the opportunity to travel, the opportunity to learn, and the opportunity to explore.

Our friends Bretta and Dylan just got back from a trip to India and Nepal. I never knew how badly I wanted to go to Nepal until I saw her photos. What an unbelievable trip they must have had; the photos she took were so beautiful and truly captured what life must be like there. Looking at them made me think about how much I hate to sit idly by, in one country, during the duration of my short life, for there is so much world to explore!

Oh how I'd love to pack a bag, and call it my "home."
To travel with only what can fit on my back and on my body, and experience people, culture, religion, and climate first hand, with my own eyes, ears, nose, and feet.
Lucky for me, I have a husband who would be willing to do all this at my side.

Someday, I'll have some more of my life figured out (though, they say that never really happens).
Someday, we'll manage our funds so that we can continue following our hearts by experiencing the world.
Someday, I won't even remember how many nights I cried just trying my best to complete all my papers and projects for grad school.
Someday, I won't even remember what chronic depression feels like.

I often feel "stuck," but I have to remember how far I've come already

• I travelled with my high school orchestra to England and Ireland
• moved 450 miles from home for college
• Studied abroad in Chile for 4 months
• Moved 1,600 miles from MN to WA for grad school
• Attended professional conference in Hawaii

I must remember that all of these are accomplishments that I should be proud of. No matter what the outcome of all of them were or are. I'm blinded right now, from the stress and hardship of 2 jobs and graduate study, but every once and a while I can see clearly. Every once and a while I can see my purpose and my bright future. 

Someday, Zach and I are going to look back on our lives and say
"Wow. Look what we've accomplished. Look what we've seen. Look at what we've learned.
I'd never want it any other way."

2012

Whoa. Here we are again. A new year. They're going faster and faster, aren't they? I've learned that as I've gotten older. Life doesn't slow down for you, in fact, it speeds up exponentially. Suddenly you're married and living across the country for grad school at 22 years old, asking yourself, how the hell did I get here?

2012 was phenomenal and definitely my biggest year of change thus far.
(Click here for my post about 2011)
Unfortunately, I just don't have the time to go through and write about each and every important event. I should have blogged more this year, I guess. But in order to give myself a year in review, I'll bullet point some important events for each month. 

I should warn you, this is going to be a long, boring list of what happened to me this year. It's no thrilling novel.

January

• I spent 2012 NYE at the house I was renting with Zach, our 2 roommates, and a ton of other friends. It was the most memorable NYE I've had to date and I wouldn't have spent it any other way. Apparently I didn't post any pictures from NYE last year, because I cannot seem to find them!
• I remember I was still doing some KVSC shows for a while... I was always who they called when someone couldn't cover the Sisters show on Sundays.
• The jobs I held:
• National Events Coordinator with University Program Board at SCSU
• Receptionist and Event Planning Intern at Element Mental Health Services in St. Cloud, MN
• Office Assistant at Department of Foreign Languages, SCSU
• Cashier and Attendant at Cenex [gas station]
• Brought Cornel West to SCSU for my job and had an incredible experience meeting him and putting on the event for the Power in Diversity Conference

Got an amazing package from my host family in Chile in January :)

February

• My host mom started her own Etsy shop! http://www.etsy.com/shop/SaritasYarn?ref=shop_sugg
• Brought Sherman Alexie to SCSU for UPB!
• Volunteered at the phone banks for KVSC Trivia Weekend
• I went to a conference called Careers in Student Affairs in Minneapolis and learned a lot about the field I was going to enter after college.

Myself and my volunteer crew with Sherman Alexie! February 2012

Also got my septum pierced. February 2012

Zach and I volunteering at the phone banks ALL NIGHT for KVSC Trivia Weekend!

March

• Erica came all the way up to St. Cloud from Milwaukee to visit me one last time before I moved across the country!
• Went to Q Quest Youth Fest for my internship. Learned about youth LGBT movements in the Minneapolis/Minnesota region.
• Started the job search in Seattle via the Internet.

April

• Helped put on the Central Minnesota Prom Alternative (an LGBT prom for area teens) for my internship with Element. 
• Brought author Rory Freedman to SCSU (she wrote Shut Up, Skinny Bitches!) 
• Also brought the author of Shut Up Skinny Bitches, Maria Rago!
• FINALLY received my acceptance letter for grad school at Seattle University after being on the waiting list for about 3 months!
• Had a CRAZY cool Easter experience with Zach
• I was awarded SCSU Student Employee of the Year
• Hosted Heads VS Feds on campus, a marijuana legalization debate.

My volunteers, advisor, and myself with the author of Shut Up Skinny Bitches!

My award! I am still so honored and thankful.

May

• May 2012 was my very last UPB end-of-the-year Banquet.
• Finally visited the Cherry and Spoon art in Minneapolis. 
• My entire family drove 8 hours to St. Cloud to watch me graduate and we worked on mending our relationship
• Zach and I gave away almost everything we ever owned
• We said goodbye to our life in St. Cloud, and set off across the country on the 31st.

My very last UPB banquet. 

Finally saw this MN attraction, right before I left!

My family and I at my graduation! If only we could get a photo with ALL of us smiling.

It was so hard to say goodbye to my roommate and best friend, Tara

June

• Moved to SEATTLE. Along the way we stayed with friends and family. Our lease in St. Cloud ended on May 31st, but our Seattle studio lease didn't start until June 8th; basically we took our time getting across the plains and mountains.
• Took my very first graduate class: Best Practices in Student Services. Part of the class was an overnight field trip to Moscow, Idaho, where we stayed in Living Learning Communities at the University of Idaho and learned about their Student Affairs departments.
• I started meeting people from my cohort. It was very exciting to put together Facebook profile photos and real, actual faces!
• Went to Seattle Pride weekend!

Still can't believe I live here sometimes...

Julianna and I at Seattle Pride Weekend!

Out for a drink with my summer classmates and professor

First Hill: My new neighborhood! 

July

• Our friend Ish surprised us with a visit early in the month! Told us that he got confirmation his package arrived at our place, and then there he was on my stoop when I went to check my mail. Best surprise visit ever!
• Di and Mitch visited us while they were on their big move to California
• Went to a Seattle Sounders game for work! [Professional Soccer Team]

From when the Heids visited us!

Ish's surprise visit

August

• Went to a Seattle Mariner's game for work [baseball]
• Started my Graduate Assistantship at the International Student Center at Seattle University
• My life became so busy, no end was in sight

This is from a rally before the Sounders game!

Started meeting people in my cohort! This girlie is Eden, from Kansas :)

September

• Reconnected with a dear friend.
• Tried to survive my first few weeks of grad school. Oh it wasn't easy for me. There was a lot of crying, a lot of wine, and a lot of "I need to give up"s. Somehow, most likely with the help of my new friends, my cohort, and my husband, I managed to get through the quarter.

Myself and some of the ISC staff and student leaders after Fall Quarter Orientation!

Got to work with some students from Fukuoka University in Japan!

October

• Saw Amy Goodman at Town Hall Seattle where I bought her latest book The Silent Majority. I also got her and Dennis Moynihan (the co-author) to sign it! Click here to read my post about the event.

My office at SSCC dressed up as Harry Potter for Halloween!

Attended a conference about supporting undocumented students!

November

• Went to Waikoloa, Hawaii for almost a week for the Region V Annual NASPA Conference. I booked my tickets with my friend Eden and shared a giant hotel with a bunch of other students in my program. I saved a ton of money, not to mention the $300 scholarship I got from NASPA before I left!

Part of the group I went to Hawaii with. I had SO much fun with them, and learned SO much.

Everyone that attended the New Professional / Graduate Student institute at NASPA. Can you find me?

December

• Managed to pull off a good GPA this quarter: A, A, A-.
• Some of our MN friends came out to visit for NYE! They were here for about 5 days and we showed them Pikes Place, a brewery, the stadiums, International District, and more I can't even remember. I had so much fun while they were here!

Sophie, MJ, Zach, and I at the SUSDA holiday party

Group photo at the work holiday party. Lots of love in the ISC! :)

The group of Minnesotans who visited Zach and I over New Years! Twas a BLAST!

Looking back, I am incredibly grateful for this year I built for myself. I have accomplished quite a lot and I need to remember that instant gratification is impossible.  My proudest moments were the connections and relationships I've both made anew and rekindled. I am learning how to be selfless and what it truly means to put others before myself, and I'm glad I have been able to bring these individuals back into my life. 

This post took me over the course of a few weeks... I just cannot believe how much can happen in just one year. 

Here's to a beautiful 2013!

Merry Xmas

As I scroll through social media this Christmas, I suddenly understand why it is so sad to be alone during this holiday. Pages and pages I scroll through of the same pictures: families, stockings, pets dressed up in holiday gear, presents, pajamas, and food. What I realized, was that just about each and every person I know that is near and dear to me, is spending this day with their family, meaning, everyone is preoccupied with their family, except myself. My family is thousands of miles away and I am without relatives and friends. Everything is closed and the weather isn't very inviting.

I'm not looking for pity, I am just pointing out why it is so sad to be alone on Christmas when everyone you know celebrates it. The world is shut down, too busy with hot food, cheesy music, and countless relatives.

Granted, I'm not alone, I do have Zach beside me always, but recently I've realized that I'm a huge fan of tradition. It is the tradition of being with family and large groups of loved ones on this holiday that I'm missing so badly right now. I've already made a vow to myself that no matter where I end up for the rest of my life, I'm going to work hard to save up enough money to visit family and friends during the holidays. I wish I realized earlier how much I valued and prioritized the traditions and family in my life: I could have made some very different choices about where I am today.

You know, I came to a similar realization yesterday through another blog that I utilize. I created a post wording my frustrations about how the majority of people ages 18 to 25 have a "freak out" moment when a few of their friends get engaged, married, or pregnant. I can't tell you how many times over social media that I've seen this phrase, in effect: "Ohmygod, everyone I know is getting engaged, married, or pregnant! What the heck!" In my post, I just asked my followers, "What's the big deal?" One of my friends Kelsey posted a response that made sense to me, a response that will remind you of my alone-on-Christmas feelings. It was, verbatim: "It means there are less people to do things with because they forever will have to do things with their significant other and or baby before they can hang out with you."

And that's exactly where I'm at right now. Everyone is spending time with their families, and Zach and I are not.

But alas, we are not truly alone, we are here in Seattle, spending Christmas together with Odin, and Feared Kraken. We don't even celebrate it, technically, but it will always be a holiday in my heart, a holiday of tradition and family, no matter what I might believe religiously. For a few years, I got Zach to celebrate it as "Materialistically-Show-People-You-Love-Them Day" but I'm afraid that died out, as neither of us exchanged gifts with each other this year.

I might sound pretty mopey, but Zach and I have a good day planned together. We're going to decorate cookies, play some video games, and just indulge in goodies, heated blankets, music, and time together.  I might be missing home, but at least I found a partner who can make me happier than I ever thought possible.

I hope everyone has a beautiful holiday, with whoever you celebrate doing whatever you do. Enjoy it! Indulge! And may you be happy for the rest of your lives :)

Winter Break Ramble

It's been a week and a half since I've been off my regular class schedule. Yes, it has been an amazing relief! As I've said in this blog time and time again, the work, thought, and concentration that I've put into my studies here so far have been more challenging than anything else I've ever experienced. But I'm proud of what I've accomplished so far, and I know that in the end, every late night and lesson learned will be fully worth it. So far, it has been: my grades for my first full quarter of grad school are A-, A, A.

Next quarter, I'm signed up for 3 classes: Higher Education Law, The American Community College, and Leadership in a Pluralistic Society. The last class is in the school of Theology and Ministry: never in my life did I imagine taking a course in such a school at a private university! My honest perspective, though, is that I'm truly looking forward to the experience. I might not enjoy religion personally, but I value what we can learn from it.

I'm currently struggling with what to write for the rest of this blog post. All this extra time I have since I don't have homework anymore, has left me alone in my head all too often. I find myself analyzing my life, where it's been and where it's going. Sometimes I spend too much time thinking about the past, looking at old photos, or reading old notes. I hope that by the end of winter break, I'll have some of these thoughts straightened out so I can more smoothly move forward with my academics and new life in Seattle.

Oh Seattle.
It's been just over 6 months now- half a year. Does it feel longer? Does it feel shorter? I can't really say. I'm just really proud of Zach and I for making it. And I have to say thank you to everyone who has supported us along the way that helped make it possible. I certainly could not have done this alone, as I've said time and time again...

Alas, I shall write more when I'm in a better mood. Tonight I'm too nostalgic and can't concentrate well enough to finish this.

Here's a pic of Zach and I at the SUSDA holiday party. We look good :)

Taking a step back from life

I need to do some serious soul searching, once again. I find myself, every so often, doubting my future in this field. It's not that I don't really enjoy it, in fact I am completely fascinated by student affairs, but the problem is that I worry it will not be fulfilling or purposeful enough for my personal goals and desires. I question why I didn't consider Non-Profit Leadership graduate programs so that Zach and I could sooner begin to create the non-profit idea we've been working on. Or why Zach and I didn't just apply to the Peace Corps after undergrad. These doubts leak into my brain when I'm supposed to be working toward my degree and I find myself getting frustratingly further and further behind.

Of course, there are certain days when the complete opposite is true. When I find myself recognizing phases and areas of development in the students I work with I become energized and eager to continue developing my student affairs professional persona. As I've mentioned, theory is my favorite class; any time I can use that knowledge or "apply theory to practice" as we love to say in class, I feel right and excited to be in this field. I also adore the memories made in my years of experience in college and working in student activities, and those that I'm beginning to make here at my graduate assistantship and classes.

This teeter-totter of feelings about my current stage in life often leaves my brain exhausted from trying to sort it all out. I just don't understand what obstacle I need to overcome to really understand myself, what I want for my future, and what type of impact I'm going to make on the world. I realize now that graduate school really isn't the place to do that, but at the same time, I've already embarked on this journey and I don't want to jump off the train now and lose momentum when I could potentially chose this as my future after all.

Besides this existential crisis, I've been relatively well. The more time we spend in Seattle, the more it feels like home and familiarity. I can tell I'm doing just a teensy more reaching out than when we first got here, which I consider progress. Every day we get closer and closer to a visit from our good friends Salem, Zach, Christina, and Justin which I'm incredibly excited for. I love having something so good to look forward to! Maybe that will get me through this endless rain. The rumors are true: Seattle is rainy as hell. I wish I wasn't sick of it already, because I hear we have about 5 or 6 more months of it. I've been taking vitamins and using a happy lamp, but will that suffice? We will see at the end of the season.

Recently I started compiling information into a spreadsheet containing contacts and information about international universities I want to ask about internship opportunities. (For my program I have to do 3 internships). I'm quite nervous to start this process and I'm thinking I'll need to seek out some faculty guidance on it. In other news I leave for Hawaii on Tuesday morning! I can't believe the time for NASPA has come already. After a group meeting, homework, and an event tomorrow, I'll have to plan out my conference schedule and start packing. I'm not quite sure what lies ahead of me, but from advice and encouragement I trust it will be something valuable.

Lastly, WHY isn't the work week 4 days so we can always have 3 day weekends? This girl would appreciate the extra time for some quality self-care.

Amy Goodman - Everyone should know her name

She's an investigative reporter. She asks the most vital questions. Most of the time she's on the frontline with soldiers, behind the fences with protesters, or traveling the country during the presidential election making sure the truth is exposed. She has been beaten, pushed, handcuffed, and arrested just for trying to do her duty to serve the people. There is a reason this woman has won countless awards for journalism, independent media, and social justice, and I recommend you look into her work and her mission.

Amy Goodman, 2008

I hadn't known much about Amy before last year. During my last year at SCSU as National Events Coordinator for UPB, Zach had brought up her name in a meeting where we were planning the Fall 2012 speakers. After group consensus, we started planning to bring Amy Goodman to St. Cloud State in October of 2012. The coordinator who succeeded my position took over the planning process when I graduated and moved to Seattle. Well, it all came together, and it really happened!  Amy spoke at SCSU in front of a crowd of over 400 just last week. It broke my heart not to be in charge of the event, and not being able to see her at my alma mater, but I am delighted that someone like her was able to come speak to my old school. I think SCSU has a lot of strides to make in a lot of different areas, and her influence could be just what some students need.

So, naturally, when Zach found out she would be speaking at a venue just 2 blocks from our studio in Seattle on Friday, we had to buy tickets.  She is in the middle of a 100 city tour with a group of people from Democracy Now! in order to cover the election from an independent media standpoint. They hit all the swing states and their talks emphasized keeping the election fair and debunking mainstream media lies.

It was an incredible honor to hear Amy Goodman speak at Town Hall in Seattle. I learned things I never understood before, and I heard stories that will stick with me for the rest of my life. I wish I could recount every eloquent word that escaped her mouth, but I just would not be able to do her intelligence justice. Go to YouTube right now and watch everything you can about her and what she does.

Zach had to run home so he could work after her talk, but I decided to stay so I could chat with her. I ended up buying her latest book so that she could sign it.

I couldn't believe how "star struck" I became when I got the chance to speak with her, but I'm so glad I did! Amy Goodman will forever be a woman I look up to and will always strive to be like. I told her how Zach and I were responsible for initiating her visit to St. Cloud, MN and her and Dennis said "oh yes! We loved being at Ritsche!"

I'm nowhere near her caliber, but I hope one day I can be as positively impactful on people as she has been on me.

With that, I must go and enjoy my Saturday night with Zach since I've been doing homework all day and I will do homework all day tomorrow.

Side note: It goes unsaid that I'm 'busy' these days. Apologies to all those who are waiting on snail mail from me! I'm working on making more time!

Perry's Theory of Intellectual and Ethical Development

It turns out that my question mark tattoo on my ankle (pictured below) is based on one of the Student Development theories I'm studying for class. Who knew?!? Let me explain...

When people ask "why do you have a question mark tattoo on your ankle?" I generally struggle explaining it to them exactly the way I want to. I usually say that it has to do with growing up and asking questions in order to form my own opinions; it also has a lot to do with the fact that I love learning, I'll never stop learning, and the only way to learn is to ask questions.

Well this lovely Sunday afternoon as I'm reading just a chapter of the hundreds of pages I have to get through this week, I realize that Perry's Theory of Intellectual and Ethical Development deeply captures a piece of my own development in college and movement from dependence to independence. Parry's theory says the three concepts that represent fundamental differences in the meaning-making process are duality, multiplicity, and relativism.

Here is a quote from my book:

If ideas are essentially swallowed whole from authorities such as parents, teachers, group advisors, or textbooks, if little or no questioning is part of the process of adopting these beliefs  then the process demonstrates a dualistic mode of thinking. By contrast, relativistic thinkers, when presented with ideas by an authority figure, may adopt them as their own. Along the way, they critically examine ideas and perhaps even reject them for a period. The rationale for current adherence to the beliefs reflects a more complex process of coming to conclusions, a process that includes some questioning and a contextual basis for the stance taken.

 After reading this section I had to set my book down and take a breath (and write this post) just to say "WOW!" This whole time I have been interested in and have truly valued the development of the college student to such a degree that I tattooed a piece of my own development on my body permanently; before I started studying this sort of thing! Making these personal connections to the theories I'm learning has been incredibly helpful in comprehending content.

Well, back to reading. Happy Sunday!

Progress and Updates

Behold the turtle: she only makes progress when she sticks her neck out.  -James Bryant Conant

Despite the difficulties I've been going through with balancing my jobs, school, social life, and marriage, I have to remember that I'm making progress. The amount of self-doubt that I have been experiencing has been more than I've ever endured in my entire life, yet somehow I'm still pushing forward. I must be doing something right, and I should give myself credit for it.

These first few weeks of classes nearly destroyed me, emotionally. There were a lot of complaints, a ton of tears, many late nights, and a few bottles of wine. I have never been so challenged academically, and little did I know, this is what I've wanted all along. I didn't find undergrad incredibly challenging. I certainly didn't do homework every day, like I've been doing here. I certainly didn't study and read so often. Not to mention all I do is talk about my program with Zach, with peers, with home, et cetera. Last week I broke down and went lower than I've gone before since moving here. I questioned, What am I doing here? Is this what I want? What makes me happy? Will I ever love myself? Will I ever be good at what I do? Should I have taken a year off of school? These questions look easy to read, but they were difficult to ponder. I'm spending a lot of time, money, effort, and sanity here in school thus far; I cannot be doubting it. I can't afford to.

But I realized, this is where I am right now, whatever it is. I am here, in Seattle, at Seattle University, in the SDA program, and this is what I am working toward. I'm not a quitter, and I'm going to push forward until this program is over. Despite the fact that I am not quite sure what it all means to me yet, I'm going to work my hardest and get the most out of it.

Earlier this week, Zach got hit by a car- Don't worry, he is doing fine! He had a sprained ankle and couldn't walk on it most of the week, but he can put weight on it now. I guess the lady who hit him was taking a right turn and he was crossing the street in front of her. She was paused at the light, looking left for oncoming traffic, and let her foot off the break when she hit him. My patience and abilities were truly tested when all of a sudden the cleaning, shopping, and errand duties were added to my plate. But I made it through! I wasn't the greatest, but I managed to complete all the tasks I needed and turn in all my homework on time. I thought it was going to be worse than it was, as usual, but it hasn't been so bad. I am grateful Zach has been so incredibly supportive to me; I know I couldn't make it through all of this without him.

I'm starting to get more excited about school and the program. Just recently I found out about an amazing internship opportunity that I already know I'm going to apply for. It's a paid one, and it's in KUWAIT! There are other opportunities I've found out about like positions in Perú and in other parts of the country. If there is one thing I know I want to do, it's do my internships abroad in order to broaden my global horizons and learn more about myself. I have also recently finally decided on a research topic for my Intro to Educational Research Class: I'm going to look into support for atheist students at private colleges and universities. As an atheist at a Jesuit university, I'm really interested in the information I can uncover!

And now for some sappiness...
If you're reading this, I miss you. I miss you like hell. I've never so badly wanted to return to Wisconsin and Minnesota. I've never been homesick to this outstanding degree. I want to go out in downtown Minneapolis with Salem, Tara, Christina, Justin, Robert, Rachel, Evin, and everyone else I hold dear. I want to go for a long run with Cassie and be silly with her. I want to spend time with everyone in UPB again and support them in their growth and endeavors. I want to tell my friends I love them, and hug them, and dance with them, and just be merry. I miss my family too. We had our differences in the past few years, but with our relationship rekindled and strengthening once again, I long for their support, embrace, and presence. And Zach's mom, of course. I love her like a mom, like a best friend, like a sister, like an angel. I miss everyone so goddamned much it hurts! All of you should know, we're coming back eventually! Nothing is set in stone, but we aren't going to stay away forever. And I'm so glad that Salem, Zach L, Justin, and Christina are coming to visit for New Years! You guys, we are going to have a blast, I can't wait to get crazy with you all in Seattle!

I suppose it's time for me to eat and get some homework done. I won't even tell you how much reading I have to get done for Monday, because it's enough to make me faint. Until next time...