Taking a step back from life

I need to do some serious soul searching, once again. I find myself, every so often, doubting my future in this field. It's not that I don't really enjoy it, in fact I am completely fascinated by student affairs, but the problem is that I worry it will not be fulfilling or purposeful enough for my personal goals and desires. I question why I didn't consider Non-Profit Leadership graduate programs so that Zach and I could sooner begin to create the non-profit idea we've been working on. Or why Zach and I didn't just apply to the Peace Corps after undergrad. These doubts leak into my brain when I'm supposed to be working toward my degree and I find myself getting frustratingly further and further behind.

Of course, there are certain days when the complete opposite is true. When I find myself recognizing phases and areas of development in the students I work with I become energized and eager to continue developing my student affairs professional persona. As I've mentioned, theory is my favorite class; any time I can use that knowledge or "apply theory to practice" as we love to say in class, I feel right and excited to be in this field. I also adore the memories made in my years of experience in college and working in student activities, and those that I'm beginning to make here at my graduate assistantship and classes.

This teeter-totter of feelings about my current stage in life often leaves my brain exhausted from trying to sort it all out. I just don't understand what obstacle I need to overcome to really understand myself, what I want for my future, and what type of impact I'm going to make on the world. I realize now that graduate school really isn't the place to do that, but at the same time, I've already embarked on this journey and I don't want to jump off the train now and lose momentum when I could potentially chose this as my future after all.

Besides this existential crisis, I've been relatively well. The more time we spend in Seattle, the more it feels like home and familiarity. I can tell I'm doing just a teensy more reaching out than when we first got here, which I consider progress. Every day we get closer and closer to a visit from our good friends Salem, Zach, Christina, and Justin which I'm incredibly excited for. I love having something so good to look forward to! Maybe that will get me through this endless rain. The rumors are true: Seattle is rainy as hell. I wish I wasn't sick of it already, because I hear we have about 5 or 6 more months of it. I've been taking vitamins and using a happy lamp, but will that suffice? We will see at the end of the season.

Recently I started compiling information into a spreadsheet containing contacts and information about international universities I want to ask about internship opportunities. (For my program I have to do 3 internships). I'm quite nervous to start this process and I'm thinking I'll need to seek out some faculty guidance on it. In other news I leave for Hawaii on Tuesday morning! I can't believe the time for NASPA has come already. After a group meeting, homework, and an event tomorrow, I'll have to plan out my conference schedule and start packing. I'm not quite sure what lies ahead of me, but from advice and encouragement I trust it will be something valuable.

Lastly, WHY isn't the work week 4 days so we can always have 3 day weekends? This girl would appreciate the extra time for some quality self-care.

Goals

Throughout my life, I haven't been the type to set personal goals unless prompted. Unless you count weight loss... which we all know those goals have gone out the window several times over for me (but that blog post rant is for another time).  I don't know why I've never sat down and wrote myself some personal goals, but I figured it was about time I did it. Maybe it will be good for me. Maybe it will prove to be worthless.

For the most part, I'm going to concentrate on goals for during and after graduate school, but I might throw in some unrelated things as well.

• Put myself out there. Not to the point that I'm annoying everyone, but to the point that I make an effort and go out of my way to say hello to people, to smile, to ask questions, and not be afraid to make the first move. In the student affairs field, your life is a lot easier if you learn how to network and take advantage of it. I plan to do just that. 
• Intern abroad. We all know Zach and I want to live in various countries in the future. For my program I have to do at least two internships, and I plan on doing everything in my power to obtain an internship in another country. I'll need the experience for my future jobs outside of the US anyway. 
• Foster quality relationships. This includes friendships, professional relationships, and any other qualifying relationship. I had a wonderful cushion of love in St. Cloud, and still have some people close to my heart from back home in southeastern Wisconsin. But I'm in Seattle now and I'm not going to spend my time here riding on surface relationships. I might be out of college years, where you 'make friends for life' but that doesn't mean I can't do it in grad school. Hell, these are the people I'm going to cry with, bleed with, and breathe with for the next two years. I'm going to make the most out of it. Professionally, I want to find a mentor. A lot of my cohort talks about advice from and relationships with their mentor. It's a relationship I envy and a relationship I intend to find for my own. 
• DRAW. I used to love to draw. I still do, but I'm frustrated now because of the patience it requires, and patience isn't something I have a lot of these days. I bought a crafty sketchbook from an art fair at the Seattle Center a few weeks back and I've been sketching in it every once and a while (also writing in it). We don't have any spare money right now, but when we do I want to purchase some watercolor pencils to add some color to what I've done so far.

I doodled Cubone recently. 

• Write. Be it research, fiction, non-fiction, fantasy, or suspense, I want to create writing works that I'm proud to share. I know it will take severe concentration and a heart capable of feedback, but I refuse to die without publishing something. 
• Take care of my health. We tend to ignore our health as busy students. In fact, sometimes we suppress the fact that it exists and gets in the way of our busy lives. I want to make this challenge called grad school a productive one; I can't learn effectively nor accomplish something to be proud of if my health is not up to par. A healthy body is a healthy mind, right? This means taking advantage of the gym, yoga, balanced diet, and no more torturing myself with so much dairy!
• Be the best wife I can be. Did you know I have the best husband in the world? It's hard to measure up. The next two years will no doubt put pressure on my relationship with my husband, so I will always have to remember how grateful I am to have him, and to show him how much I appreciate his friendship, compassion, and love.
• Turn in quality work and turn it in on time. Sounds like an obvious goal, but I won't lie to myself when I admit I am an expert bullshitter when it comes to writing papers at 3am just hours before they are due (at least I was in undergrad). If I'm going to get the most out of this program, and I'm going to publish at least something, then I'm going to put 200% into everything I do. No shanking in grad school.
• Put others before myself. A very typical goal, but probably the one I'll have to work the hardest on. Debilitating self-consciousness makes me think about myself A LOT. I shouldn't say 'think,' I should say 'obsess.' I often think about the time I've wasted obsessing over every blemish, flaw, or embarrassing moment. From now on I will make an effort to not spend so much time obsessing and find a better way to spend my time. I love people. I'm a people person. It will only help me foster meaningful relationships if I'm better at putting others before myself. Not to mention learn valuable lessons in service and global citizenship.

I'm sure that as soon as I post this, I'll think of a thousand more. If they're any good, I'll take note of them. Expressing goals holds them accountable. I'm going to remind myself of these constantly by bookmarking them and checking back on them often. 

"Home is where the heart is."

And my heart lies with Zach.

I really don't believe that there is a city out there, in this vast world, that I'll comfortably call "home." I just don't.  I don't need a place to label "home" when I have everything I need. Well, almost everything. I'm trying to learn to live with that I have and appreciate the little things; aren't we all? I don't want to call New Berlin my home. Its not. I don't feel at home there and I never have. St. Cloud? Sure, I lived here 4 years, but it is just another place I reside; St. Cloud is no home to me. However, I'm going to miss St. Cloud when I leave it more than I missed New Berlin when I left WI.

Honestly, though, I'm a lucky girl.
When I think real hard about it, all I need is Zach. He keeps me happy, keeps me thinking, keeps me on my toes, and loves me unconditionally. Every day I wrack my brain trying to come up with SOMEthing to show him I care, SOMEthing to show him how much he means to me, but nothing can amount.

With everything going on at Wall Street and other various corners of the world, I can't believe I still struggle with sweating the small stuff.

Some day, I will learn.

Some day, I will be the person I want to be.

Some day. It is going to happen.

Body modifications and just why I love them so much.

Sure, it may have started out as a trend to follow:

In high school (2005-2008) I dyed my hair whenever I needed a change but didn't have enough control over my life to do anything more drastic. A few weeks into my first semester of college (2008), 450 miles from home, I pierced my nose just because I was free and felt like I could do whatever I wanted. Right before I left for Chile (2009) for 4 months I finally got the tattoo I wanted: a phrase that carried me through some hard times.

Why did I keep going, though?

I've been thinking about this for years and I came to realize it was the euphoria of finally appreciating and really liking something about myself that kept me wanting more. In high school and middle school, dealing with my pubescent body changes, dramatic friends, and not getting along with my parents were my hardest battles. I felt trapped, I felt like I had no control, there was nothing I could change, and it, as well as other personal experiences, led me to ultimately hate myself. At the same time, I started experiencing disordered eating as a way to take control. All of these are things I'm still recovering from to this day, but also something I have been dealing with, partially with the help of modifying my body to the way I like it. The little things I've done: getting tattoos, dying my hair, getting piercings, losing weight, changing my clothing style; it has all gradually added to my self-confidence and self-love.

I'm not yet to the point that I want to be, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm going to modify my body drastically or very much more from here. It just means I'm going to keep going wherever life is taking me.

"Running is a metaphor for life: there is always someone faster than you, and someone slower, so all you can do is keep going and put your heart into it."

 I like this quote because of everything it can apply to. In this case: sure, sometimes I compare myself to others and think "maybe I shouldn't have changed my body so much, maybe I won't be able to get the job I want, and maybe I should have learned to love myself the way I am" but I just don't think that is right. We're humans, the intelligent species of earth, and we invented body modifications for a reason. Sure they started out as spiritual reasons, but even that was something a person would do to feel PERSONALLY more connected to their god. To me, this is something I have done to myself PERSONALLY to feel more connected and one with myself, my own beliefs and spirituality. Do I see heavily modified people and think that their heavily modified body is my goal? No. To each his own, to the very end, and that is all I'll tell you if you ask me if I'm getting more.

Another thing I would like to address is body modifications in the work place. It boggles my mind how people can think that body modifications diminish a person's intelligence and render them incapable of customer service, so clearly he or she cannot be hired. I hope this doesn't sound too inappropriate, but I think this could one day be considered discrimination. On a similar note, HOW are facial piercings and unnatural hair colors "unprofessional"? You know what else is considered body modifications? Body building, losing or gaining weight, wearing make up, and painting your nails. Are those considered unprofessional? No. But its the same thing, the same category, the same concept.

Though, maybe things with society and body modifications are changing. I currently hold 5 jobs and I'm a full time student, and nobody has a problem with my own modifications (though, they're not THAT out there and obvious.)

If you're still intrigued after reading my semi-rant, do go see the documentary "Modify". Follow the link, it will change your life.

On that note, I bid you all adieu, for now.