Post-graduation weekend

I can't believe it's all over.
I have been waiting for this weekend for four years. I remember when 2012 seemed so far into the future, and sometimes I'm still in shock that it's already 2012.

Friday night we hung out at our apartment with a lot of friends, some in town only for the weekend, others that we were graduating with. It was wonderful socializing at our place over drinks and games. I had to force myself not to think about leaving everyone in less than a month, or else I would have become incredibly emotional.

Saturday I slept in late because I was in the afternoon commencement ceremony. I met briefly with my family, who arrived in town late Friday, and before I knew it I had to start getting dressed and putting on my cap and gown. Running late as we normally do, Zach, Tara and I got there just in time to get to the end of the School of Liberal Arts line to start filing in to Halenbeck gym, where everything was taking place. We sat in the very last row of the sea of graduates, shaking and chatting the whole time. The ceremony itself wasn't very memorable to me, but seeing myself and my friends in that cap and gown was definitely a memory I'll never forget. The symbolism of it will be with me forever. Because of our position in the gym, I was very close to my family; looking back at them every once and a while, and catching them smiling and looking at me, made me feel so fortunate, loved, and proud of my accomplishments. I truly was holding back a waterfall of emotions in those moments.

Walking up to the stage was nerve-wracking. I couldn't stop thinking about how to walk in heels because I didn't want to be the one to trip across the stage. Commencement coordinators rushed us along, as to not stall the already outrageously long ceremony. I remember stopping at the bottom of the stairs, and looking up at the bright lights shining on Zach, President Potter, the provost, and others whom we shook hands with. They ushered me up the stairs and I couldn't even hear my name; I was concentrating so hard on smiling, not tripping, and grabbing the diploma in the right hand! Just before I headed down the stairs and off the stage, one of my favorite professors, head of the Faculty Association, got out of his seat on stage to come shake my hand. Dr. Mark Jaede was one of the first professors I had at SCSU; he taught LAST 250, Introduction to Latin American Studies my first semester. He was someone who reassured me I wanted to continue with Spanish and learn about Latin America. The fact that he was there in the beginning, as well as there in the end of my college career, was so meaningful to me.

At the bottom of the stairs my friend Victor, a university ambassador, was helping usher graduates to the photo backdrop. I hugged him and scooted along; paused for my picture; and went back to our seats.

And it was over. So suddenly.
One moment I was on stage, my heart beating so hard and fast, the next second I was back in my seat, glancing at Zach and Tara with teary eyes.

We hung out in the gym and took some pictures with friends and family. Everything was overwhelming, of course. Pictures with the family, the roommates, the inlaws; all of us were pulled in all directions, smiling like fools!

Soon after we took off to get to Fuji Japanese Steakhouse for dinner. Zach's family and my family went together and we got hibachi (YUM!). It was hard for all of us to talk because the place was PACKED; probably with families of graduates. I think it went well, though. I just wish our families could have socialized more.

After everyone parted ways, I made plans to have breakfast/lunch with my family the next day and Zach and I headed home to get ready for a party at a house we used to live in. It was an amazing time being back there, reliving some of the memories made and spending time with dear friends (who I'm going to miss like hell). 

The next day Zach and I met my family at IHOP and we got to catch up a little bit (over delicious pancakes). They had to leave right after, and it was hard for all of us. Before this weekend, I hadn't seen them for a whole year, and we haven't been good at communicating since. The goodbye, at least for me, was very emotional. This might be the last time I see them for the next 2 years minimum, unless they come out to Seattle and visit or I manage to make enough money to head back to the midwest.

And that was that. It's all over. Felt like it lasted all of 2 minutes. 

So now our lives move on to other things, I suppose.

Recording the events of this weekend has been hard to do, mentally, because of the emotions involved. It's starting to hit me now, that my undergraduate experience is over. I don't know any other me besides the me that is in class at SCSU and heavily involved. What will I do now? I'm quite terrified of having to get to know a whole new campus, and whole new city. 

Moving to Seattle is still coming together. We have lots of apartments we're interested in, and of course we're still sending out lots of job applications. I just signed up for a summer course in my program, and I'm excited to meet people and knock down a few credits before fall. 

Oh, it's my birthday, today. I'm 22 now. Do I feel 22? No. When people ask me how old I am, I almost have to count it out in order to avoid saying 19 or 20. Has that much time really passed since high school? Since Chile? I guess so. Time has flown, and just like everyone says, it's moving exponentially faster as I get older. Today I went to the Mall of America with my friends Bretta, Di, and Tara and I'm stoked about the two dresses I bought. Going to go put one on for dinner tonight.

Until the next chapter...

(I hope my next blog post is about me or Zach getting a job or apartment)

Thoughts

Just one more wordpress post I wanted to save:

29 July 2011

I constantly have so much in my head. Swirling around and usually making no sense, but still managing to stress me out. And the moment I think “hey, writing it all down might help,” I get to a computer and my mind either goes blank, or won’t focus on one thought for more than a few seconds. I end up typing a sentence and deleting it, over, and over, and over again. As you can imagine it is quite frustrating. Especially because in the end, I don’t feel any better.


Today, though, I’ve been thinking a lot about sexuality.
I have several friends who identify in the LGBT community and there is a pride parade going on today on campus. Though I called myself “straight” until I was about 18 years old, I am really happy with my decision to stop labeling myself. It wasn’t exactly that I came to any realization that I wasn’t straight, I just realized over time that in my case, it didn’t need a label. Yes, I find myself attracted to men and women, but no, I don’t need to label it bisexual. Honestly, its partially due to the fact that a lot of people think those who identify as bisexual are either sluts or looking for attention, both of which I am not.  As I said earlier, I don’t need a label.

In fact I despise labels. They only cause problems. Are you gay or straight? Pro-life or pro-choice? Republican or democrat? I feel like the constant need for us to ask these questions in order to get to know someone just hinder relationships from building and causing problems all around. Haven’t we said for years that nothing is black and white? How about this instead, we screw labels and just discuss our beliefs the way they are? If two people don’t agree, it can be because they talked it over and don’t have the same beliefs, and not because, before they even met them, they figured out they had a bad label. If that makes any sense. *sigh*

Unfortunately labels make things easier. As I realized right after I finished that sentence.
Moving along…

I think the identity crisis I experienced shortly after moving out of my parent’s house and that is still going on to this day, is really helping me become the person I want to be. I grew up in a home where my opinions, my beliefs, and my schedule were given to me and I wasn’t allowed to question them. You can imagine how exhilarating and horrifying it was to move 450 miles away from home and realize that I was indeed allowed to make my own decisions. You can also imagine how many bad decisions I made at first; all of that power and I didn’t know what to do with it or how to control it.

Lately I’ve been really hard on myself. Well, I’m always really hard on myself. But writing this post helped me a little. I’ve come to realize that I’m still in the process of creating myself. For 18 years I didn’t do that, I was the person my parents told me to be. (Though I did rebel, I still lacked personality and opinion.) And its not going to take a few short years to figure out who I am and what I need to change in order to become comfortable in my own skin. I have to have patience and allow myself to explore every corner of the world, every opportunity that comes, and every option I can take.

Body modifications and just why I love them so much.

Sure, it may have started out as a trend to follow:

In high school (2005-2008) I dyed my hair whenever I needed a change but didn't have enough control over my life to do anything more drastic. A few weeks into my first semester of college (2008), 450 miles from home, I pierced my nose just because I was free and felt like I could do whatever I wanted. Right before I left for Chile (2009) for 4 months I finally got the tattoo I wanted: a phrase that carried me through some hard times.

Why did I keep going, though?

I've been thinking about this for years and I came to realize it was the euphoria of finally appreciating and really liking something about myself that kept me wanting more. In high school and middle school, dealing with my pubescent body changes, dramatic friends, and not getting along with my parents were my hardest battles. I felt trapped, I felt like I had no control, there was nothing I could change, and it, as well as other personal experiences, led me to ultimately hate myself. At the same time, I started experiencing disordered eating as a way to take control. All of these are things I'm still recovering from to this day, but also something I have been dealing with, partially with the help of modifying my body to the way I like it. The little things I've done: getting tattoos, dying my hair, getting piercings, losing weight, changing my clothing style; it has all gradually added to my self-confidence and self-love.

I'm not yet to the point that I want to be, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm going to modify my body drastically or very much more from here. It just means I'm going to keep going wherever life is taking me.

"Running is a metaphor for life: there is always someone faster than you, and someone slower, so all you can do is keep going and put your heart into it."

 I like this quote because of everything it can apply to. In this case: sure, sometimes I compare myself to others and think "maybe I shouldn't have changed my body so much, maybe I won't be able to get the job I want, and maybe I should have learned to love myself the way I am" but I just don't think that is right. We're humans, the intelligent species of earth, and we invented body modifications for a reason. Sure they started out as spiritual reasons, but even that was something a person would do to feel PERSONALLY more connected to their god. To me, this is something I have done to myself PERSONALLY to feel more connected and one with myself, my own beliefs and spirituality. Do I see heavily modified people and think that their heavily modified body is my goal? No. To each his own, to the very end, and that is all I'll tell you if you ask me if I'm getting more.

Another thing I would like to address is body modifications in the work place. It boggles my mind how people can think that body modifications diminish a person's intelligence and render them incapable of customer service, so clearly he or she cannot be hired. I hope this doesn't sound too inappropriate, but I think this could one day be considered discrimination. On a similar note, HOW are facial piercings and unnatural hair colors "unprofessional"? You know what else is considered body modifications? Body building, losing or gaining weight, wearing make up, and painting your nails. Are those considered unprofessional? No. But its the same thing, the same category, the same concept.

Though, maybe things with society and body modifications are changing. I currently hold 5 jobs and I'm a full time student, and nobody has a problem with my own modifications (though, they're not THAT out there and obvious.)

If you're still intrigued after reading my semi-rant, do go see the documentary "Modify". Follow the link, it will change your life.

On that note, I bid you all adieu, for now.