Saturday, November 3, 2012

Taking a step back from life

I need to do some serious soul searching, once again. I find myself, every so often, doubting my future in this field. It's not that I don't really enjoy it, in fact I am completely fascinated by student affairs, but the problem is that I worry it will not be fulfilling or purposeful enough for my personal goals and desires. I question why I didn't consider Non-Profit Leadership graduate programs so that Zach and I could sooner begin to create the non-profit idea we've been working on. Or why Zach and I didn't just apply to the Peace Corps after undergrad. These doubts leak into my brain when I'm supposed to be working toward my degree and I find myself getting frustratingly further and further behind.

Of course, there are certain days when the complete opposite is true. When I find myself recognizing phases and areas of development in the students I work with I become energized and eager to continue developing my student affairs professional persona. As I've mentioned, theory is my favorite class; any time I can use that knowledge or "apply theory to practice" as we love to say in class, I feel right and excited to be in this field. I also adore the memories made in my years of experience in college and working in student activities, and those that I'm beginning to make here at my graduate assistantship and classes.

This teeter-totter of feelings about my current stage in life often leaves my brain exhausted from trying to sort it all out. I just don't understand what obstacle I need to overcome to really understand myself, what I want for my future, and what type of impact I'm going to make on the world. I realize now that graduate school really isn't the place to do that, but at the same time, I've already embarked on this journey and I don't want to jump off the train now and lose momentum when I could potentially chose this as my future after all.

Besides this existential crisis, I've been relatively well. The more time we spend in Seattle, the more it feels like home and familiarity. I can tell I'm doing just a teensy more reaching out than when we first got here, which I consider progress. Every day we get closer and closer to a visit from our good friends Salem, Zach, Christina, and Justin which I'm incredibly excited for. I love having something so good to look forward to! Maybe that will get me through this endless rain. The rumors are true: Seattle is rainy as hell. I wish I wasn't sick of it already, because I hear we have about 5 or 6 more months of it. I've been taking vitamins and using a happy lamp, but will that suffice? We will see at the end of the season.

Recently I started compiling information into a spreadsheet containing contacts and information about international universities I want to ask about internship opportunities. (For my program I have to do 3 internships). I'm quite nervous to start this process and I'm thinking I'll need to seek out some faculty guidance on it. In other news I leave for Hawaii on Tuesday morning! I can't believe the time for NASPA has come already. After a group meeting, homework, and an event tomorrow, I'll have to plan out my conference schedule and start packing. I'm not quite sure what lies ahead of me, but from advice and encouragement I trust it will be something valuable.

Lastly, WHY isn't the work week 4 days so we can always have 3 day weekends? This girl would appreciate the extra time for some quality self-care.