Where I'm at now

There are just 2 weeks left of Winter Quarter. Lucky for me, I finished up one of my classes in January (horay for weekend classes!) so for the past few weeks I've been able to focus on the other two classes I'm taking: Higher Education Law and The American Community College.

This quarter has been a roller coaster ride, to say the least. January was absolutely insane with how much I had on my plate, and how much I filled up all of my work and personal calendars. There was International week at SU, events at SSCC, major projects already due, and then I had weekend class to juggle. I don't think hubby or cat saw me much at all in January. But I'm so glad that's over! I have been able to balance everything much better with just two classes, something I plan to continue practicing so long as I'm working full time. Next quarter, I'm only signed up for two, and they are Leadership in Education 1 and Leadership and Governance of Post-Secondary Education.

I just finished up making major progress on a paper (I know I know, it's Saturday night and I'm working on homework, this is my life now) and I'm hoping to accomplish a little bit more before bed. I can't wait to have free time again. As great as this program is, and as much as I'm learning, I need a little bit more freedom and flexibility in my life!

On top of assignments, I'm also anxiously working on securing an internship for the summer. I have a few promising leads, but I'm still waiting on a few responses from a couple institutions. Cross your fingers for me! There's one I'm really hoping to get in LA for 10 weeks in the summertime :)

Aside from grad school, I have been working on my own happiness and personal growth. I've learned a lot about myself from this grad school experience, and it has made me incredibly reflective. I started reading a book called Anger by Thich Nhat Hanh that has been very eye opening to the way I comprehend and express my emotions. Of course, school readings always come first, so it's taking me a long time to finish, but I already know that I'm going to read more of his work. If anyone has recommendations for me about other reads that are similar, I welcome them with open arms!

Zach found it at a used book store for me :)

In other news, I am looking forward to visiting Milwaukee for the first time since December of 2011, and the first time I'll be in one of the houses I grew up in since May 2011! My flight leaves Seattle on March 27th and I don't come back until April 2nd. I just know that no matter how it goes, this trip home will be a grounding experience. Spending time with my roots, re-defining myself, realizing who I am now and remembering who I was then. I especially cannot wait to spend time with my family and get to know them once again. My brothers have changed so much in the past few years... makes me feel quite old and emotional, to be honest.

For my weekend class this quarter, one of our assignments was to bring an artifact that represents our culture. I brought in a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson:

“Make your own Bible. Select and collect all the words and sentences that in all your readings have been to you like the blast of a trumpet.”

Since that assignment, I have been true to my artifact and have been selecting and collecting the words and sentences that in all my readings have been to me like the blast of a trumpet. I started compiling them on a Tumblog called Quotes Etc. I like that I have a place to compile those quotes, phrases, and lyrics that help me better understand and be comfortable with existence.

Right now, I am thankful we have 2 whole days of weekend. Tomorrow is Sunday and that means pancakes and cartoons with my honey!

Our friend Amoolya from college was in Leavenworth  WA to visit some friends for a few days, and we were so excited she had a whole afternoon of free time to visit with us! We took her all over downtown, Pioneer Square, the Waterfront, and the International District. 

Here's what I'm going to do

I'm going to make it through this week,
no event, person, mishap, or lack of sleep will get me down.
I'm going to make it through this quarter,
regardless of the mountain of work ahead of me.
I'm going to put it all into perspective, do what I have to do
to Keep Moving Forward.

Before I know it, I'm going to be walking across that stage, robes and hood, getting my master's degree.

after that,
the possibilities are endless.

Zach and I have talked about applying for the Peace Corps after I graduate, and the idea looks better and better every day. If we decide to go through with it, we'll have to start our application as early as this summer. With my Spanish language background, I have a good feeling they might want to place us in Latin America, if we're accepted. But who knows? Maybe at the end of 2014 Zach and I will be settling in somewhere in Africa, somewhere in Asia, or Eastern Europe. I don't even care where we go: I just want the opportunity to serve, the opportunity to travel, the opportunity to learn, and the opportunity to explore.

Our friends Bretta and Dylan just got back from a trip to India and Nepal. I never knew how badly I wanted to go to Nepal until I saw her photos. What an unbelievable trip they must have had; the photos she took were so beautiful and truly captured what life must be like there. Looking at them made me think about how much I hate to sit idly by, in one country, during the duration of my short life, for there is so much world to explore!

Oh how I'd love to pack a bag, and call it my "home."
To travel with only what can fit on my back and on my body, and experience people, culture, religion, and climate first hand, with my own eyes, ears, nose, and feet.
Lucky for me, I have a husband who would be willing to do all this at my side.

Someday, I'll have some more of my life figured out (though, they say that never really happens).
Someday, we'll manage our funds so that we can continue following our hearts by experiencing the world.
Someday, I won't even remember how many nights I cried just trying my best to complete all my papers and projects for grad school.
Someday, I won't even remember what chronic depression feels like.

I often feel "stuck," but I have to remember how far I've come already

• I travelled with my high school orchestra to England and Ireland
• moved 450 miles from home for college
• Studied abroad in Chile for 4 months
• Moved 1,600 miles from MN to WA for grad school
• Attended professional conference in Hawaii

I must remember that all of these are accomplishments that I should be proud of. No matter what the outcome of all of them were or are. I'm blinded right now, from the stress and hardship of 2 jobs and graduate study, but every once and a while I can see clearly. Every once and a while I can see my purpose and my bright future. 

Someday, Zach and I are going to look back on our lives and say
"Wow. Look what we've accomplished. Look what we've seen. Look at what we've learned.
I'd never want it any other way."

Winter Break Ramble

It's been a week and a half since I've been off my regular class schedule. Yes, it has been an amazing relief! As I've said in this blog time and time again, the work, thought, and concentration that I've put into my studies here so far have been more challenging than anything else I've ever experienced. But I'm proud of what I've accomplished so far, and I know that in the end, every late night and lesson learned will be fully worth it. So far, it has been: my grades for my first full quarter of grad school are A-, A, A.

Next quarter, I'm signed up for 3 classes: Higher Education Law, The American Community College, and Leadership in a Pluralistic Society. The last class is in the school of Theology and Ministry: never in my life did I imagine taking a course in such a school at a private university! My honest perspective, though, is that I'm truly looking forward to the experience. I might not enjoy religion personally, but I value what we can learn from it.

I'm currently struggling with what to write for the rest of this blog post. All this extra time I have since I don't have homework anymore, has left me alone in my head all too often. I find myself analyzing my life, where it's been and where it's going. Sometimes I spend too much time thinking about the past, looking at old photos, or reading old notes. I hope that by the end of winter break, I'll have some of these thoughts straightened out so I can more smoothly move forward with my academics and new life in Seattle.

Oh Seattle.
It's been just over 6 months now- half a year. Does it feel longer? Does it feel shorter? I can't really say. I'm just really proud of Zach and I for making it. And I have to say thank you to everyone who has supported us along the way that helped make it possible. I certainly could not have done this alone, as I've said time and time again...

Alas, I shall write more when I'm in a better mood. Tonight I'm too nostalgic and can't concentrate well enough to finish this.

Here's a pic of Zach and I at the SUSDA holiday party. We look good :)

Progress and Updates

Behold the turtle: she only makes progress when she sticks her neck out.  -James Bryant Conant

Despite the difficulties I've been going through with balancing my jobs, school, social life, and marriage, I have to remember that I'm making progress. The amount of self-doubt that I have been experiencing has been more than I've ever endured in my entire life, yet somehow I'm still pushing forward. I must be doing something right, and I should give myself credit for it.

These first few weeks of classes nearly destroyed me, emotionally. There were a lot of complaints, a ton of tears, many late nights, and a few bottles of wine. I have never been so challenged academically, and little did I know, this is what I've wanted all along. I didn't find undergrad incredibly challenging. I certainly didn't do homework every day, like I've been doing here. I certainly didn't study and read so often. Not to mention all I do is talk about my program with Zach, with peers, with home, et cetera. Last week I broke down and went lower than I've gone before since moving here. I questioned, What am I doing here? Is this what I want? What makes me happy? Will I ever love myself? Will I ever be good at what I do? Should I have taken a year off of school? These questions look easy to read, but they were difficult to ponder. I'm spending a lot of time, money, effort, and sanity here in school thus far; I cannot be doubting it. I can't afford to.

But I realized, this is where I am right now, whatever it is. I am here, in Seattle, at Seattle University, in the SDA program, and this is what I am working toward. I'm not a quitter, and I'm going to push forward until this program is over. Despite the fact that I am not quite sure what it all means to me yet, I'm going to work my hardest and get the most out of it.

Earlier this week, Zach got hit by a car- Don't worry, he is doing fine! He had a sprained ankle and couldn't walk on it most of the week, but he can put weight on it now. I guess the lady who hit him was taking a right turn and he was crossing the street in front of her. She was paused at the light, looking left for oncoming traffic, and let her foot off the break when she hit him. My patience and abilities were truly tested when all of a sudden the cleaning, shopping, and errand duties were added to my plate. But I made it through! I wasn't the greatest, but I managed to complete all the tasks I needed and turn in all my homework on time. I thought it was going to be worse than it was, as usual, but it hasn't been so bad. I am grateful Zach has been so incredibly supportive to me; I know I couldn't make it through all of this without him.

I'm starting to get more excited about school and the program. Just recently I found out about an amazing internship opportunity that I already know I'm going to apply for. It's a paid one, and it's in KUWAIT! There are other opportunities I've found out about like positions in Perú and in other parts of the country. If there is one thing I know I want to do, it's do my internships abroad in order to broaden my global horizons and learn more about myself. I have also recently finally decided on a research topic for my Intro to Educational Research Class: I'm going to look into support for atheist students at private colleges and universities. As an atheist at a Jesuit university, I'm really interested in the information I can uncover!

And now for some sappiness...
If you're reading this, I miss you. I miss you like hell. I've never so badly wanted to return to Wisconsin and Minnesota. I've never been homesick to this outstanding degree. I want to go out in downtown Minneapolis with Salem, Tara, Christina, Justin, Robert, Rachel, Evin, and everyone else I hold dear. I want to go for a long run with Cassie and be silly with her. I want to spend time with everyone in UPB again and support them in their growth and endeavors. I want to tell my friends I love them, and hug them, and dance with them, and just be merry. I miss my family too. We had our differences in the past few years, but with our relationship rekindled and strengthening once again, I long for their support, embrace, and presence. And Zach's mom, of course. I love her like a mom, like a best friend, like a sister, like an angel. I miss everyone so goddamned much it hurts! All of you should know, we're coming back eventually! Nothing is set in stone, but we aren't going to stay away forever. And I'm so glad that Salem, Zach L, Justin, and Christina are coming to visit for New Years! You guys, we are going to have a blast, I can't wait to get crazy with you all in Seattle!

I suppose it's time for me to eat and get some homework done. I won't even tell you how much reading I have to get done for Monday, because it's enough to make me faint. Until next time...

Goals

Throughout my life, I haven't been the type to set personal goals unless prompted. Unless you count weight loss... which we all know those goals have gone out the window several times over for me (but that blog post rant is for another time).  I don't know why I've never sat down and wrote myself some personal goals, but I figured it was about time I did it. Maybe it will be good for me. Maybe it will prove to be worthless.

For the most part, I'm going to concentrate on goals for during and after graduate school, but I might throw in some unrelated things as well.

• Put myself out there. Not to the point that I'm annoying everyone, but to the point that I make an effort and go out of my way to say hello to people, to smile, to ask questions, and not be afraid to make the first move. In the student affairs field, your life is a lot easier if you learn how to network and take advantage of it. I plan to do just that. 
• Intern abroad. We all know Zach and I want to live in various countries in the future. For my program I have to do at least two internships, and I plan on doing everything in my power to obtain an internship in another country. I'll need the experience for my future jobs outside of the US anyway. 
• Foster quality relationships. This includes friendships, professional relationships, and any other qualifying relationship. I had a wonderful cushion of love in St. Cloud, and still have some people close to my heart from back home in southeastern Wisconsin. But I'm in Seattle now and I'm not going to spend my time here riding on surface relationships. I might be out of college years, where you 'make friends for life' but that doesn't mean I can't do it in grad school. Hell, these are the people I'm going to cry with, bleed with, and breathe with for the next two years. I'm going to make the most out of it. Professionally, I want to find a mentor. A lot of my cohort talks about advice from and relationships with their mentor. It's a relationship I envy and a relationship I intend to find for my own. 
• DRAW. I used to love to draw. I still do, but I'm frustrated now because of the patience it requires, and patience isn't something I have a lot of these days. I bought a crafty sketchbook from an art fair at the Seattle Center a few weeks back and I've been sketching in it every once and a while (also writing in it). We don't have any spare money right now, but when we do I want to purchase some watercolor pencils to add some color to what I've done so far.

I doodled Cubone recently. 

• Write. Be it research, fiction, non-fiction, fantasy, or suspense, I want to create writing works that I'm proud to share. I know it will take severe concentration and a heart capable of feedback, but I refuse to die without publishing something. 
• Take care of my health. We tend to ignore our health as busy students. In fact, sometimes we suppress the fact that it exists and gets in the way of our busy lives. I want to make this challenge called grad school a productive one; I can't learn effectively nor accomplish something to be proud of if my health is not up to par. A healthy body is a healthy mind, right? This means taking advantage of the gym, yoga, balanced diet, and no more torturing myself with so much dairy!
• Be the best wife I can be. Did you know I have the best husband in the world? It's hard to measure up. The next two years will no doubt put pressure on my relationship with my husband, so I will always have to remember how grateful I am to have him, and to show him how much I appreciate his friendship, compassion, and love.
• Turn in quality work and turn it in on time. Sounds like an obvious goal, but I won't lie to myself when I admit I am an expert bullshitter when it comes to writing papers at 3am just hours before they are due (at least I was in undergrad). If I'm going to get the most out of this program, and I'm going to publish at least something, then I'm going to put 200% into everything I do. No shanking in grad school.
• Put others before myself. A very typical goal, but probably the one I'll have to work the hardest on. Debilitating self-consciousness makes me think about myself A LOT. I shouldn't say 'think,' I should say 'obsess.' I often think about the time I've wasted obsessing over every blemish, flaw, or embarrassing moment. From now on I will make an effort to not spend so much time obsessing and find a better way to spend my time. I love people. I'm a people person. It will only help me foster meaningful relationships if I'm better at putting others before myself. Not to mention learn valuable lessons in service and global citizenship.

I'm sure that as soon as I post this, I'll think of a thousand more. If they're any good, I'll take note of them. Expressing goals holds them accountable. I'm going to remind myself of these constantly by bookmarking them and checking back on them often. 

Post-graduation weekend

I can't believe it's all over.
I have been waiting for this weekend for four years. I remember when 2012 seemed so far into the future, and sometimes I'm still in shock that it's already 2012.

Friday night we hung out at our apartment with a lot of friends, some in town only for the weekend, others that we were graduating with. It was wonderful socializing at our place over drinks and games. I had to force myself not to think about leaving everyone in less than a month, or else I would have become incredibly emotional.

Saturday I slept in late because I was in the afternoon commencement ceremony. I met briefly with my family, who arrived in town late Friday, and before I knew it I had to start getting dressed and putting on my cap and gown. Running late as we normally do, Zach, Tara and I got there just in time to get to the end of the School of Liberal Arts line to start filing in to Halenbeck gym, where everything was taking place. We sat in the very last row of the sea of graduates, shaking and chatting the whole time. The ceremony itself wasn't very memorable to me, but seeing myself and my friends in that cap and gown was definitely a memory I'll never forget. The symbolism of it will be with me forever. Because of our position in the gym, I was very close to my family; looking back at them every once and a while, and catching them smiling and looking at me, made me feel so fortunate, loved, and proud of my accomplishments. I truly was holding back a waterfall of emotions in those moments.

Walking up to the stage was nerve-wracking. I couldn't stop thinking about how to walk in heels because I didn't want to be the one to trip across the stage. Commencement coordinators rushed us along, as to not stall the already outrageously long ceremony. I remember stopping at the bottom of the stairs, and looking up at the bright lights shining on Zach, President Potter, the provost, and others whom we shook hands with. They ushered me up the stairs and I couldn't even hear my name; I was concentrating so hard on smiling, not tripping, and grabbing the diploma in the right hand! Just before I headed down the stairs and off the stage, one of my favorite professors, head of the Faculty Association, got out of his seat on stage to come shake my hand. Dr. Mark Jaede was one of the first professors I had at SCSU; he taught LAST 250, Introduction to Latin American Studies my first semester. He was someone who reassured me I wanted to continue with Spanish and learn about Latin America. The fact that he was there in the beginning, as well as there in the end of my college career, was so meaningful to me.

At the bottom of the stairs my friend Victor, a university ambassador, was helping usher graduates to the photo backdrop. I hugged him and scooted along; paused for my picture; and went back to our seats.

And it was over. So suddenly.
One moment I was on stage, my heart beating so hard and fast, the next second I was back in my seat, glancing at Zach and Tara with teary eyes.

We hung out in the gym and took some pictures with friends and family. Everything was overwhelming, of course. Pictures with the family, the roommates, the inlaws; all of us were pulled in all directions, smiling like fools!

Soon after we took off to get to Fuji Japanese Steakhouse for dinner. Zach's family and my family went together and we got hibachi (YUM!). It was hard for all of us to talk because the place was PACKED; probably with families of graduates. I think it went well, though. I just wish our families could have socialized more.

After everyone parted ways, I made plans to have breakfast/lunch with my family the next day and Zach and I headed home to get ready for a party at a house we used to live in. It was an amazing time being back there, reliving some of the memories made and spending time with dear friends (who I'm going to miss like hell). 

The next day Zach and I met my family at IHOP and we got to catch up a little bit (over delicious pancakes). They had to leave right after, and it was hard for all of us. Before this weekend, I hadn't seen them for a whole year, and we haven't been good at communicating since. The goodbye, at least for me, was very emotional. This might be the last time I see them for the next 2 years minimum, unless they come out to Seattle and visit or I manage to make enough money to head back to the midwest.

And that was that. It's all over. Felt like it lasted all of 2 minutes. 

So now our lives move on to other things, I suppose.

Recording the events of this weekend has been hard to do, mentally, because of the emotions involved. It's starting to hit me now, that my undergraduate experience is over. I don't know any other me besides the me that is in class at SCSU and heavily involved. What will I do now? I'm quite terrified of having to get to know a whole new campus, and whole new city. 

Moving to Seattle is still coming together. We have lots of apartments we're interested in, and of course we're still sending out lots of job applications. I just signed up for a summer course in my program, and I'm excited to meet people and knock down a few credits before fall. 

Oh, it's my birthday, today. I'm 22 now. Do I feel 22? No. When people ask me how old I am, I almost have to count it out in order to avoid saying 19 or 20. Has that much time really passed since high school? Since Chile? I guess so. Time has flown, and just like everyone says, it's moving exponentially faster as I get older. Today I went to the Mall of America with my friends Bretta, Di, and Tara and I'm stoked about the two dresses I bought. Going to go put one on for dinner tonight.

Until the next chapter...

(I hope my next blog post is about me or Zach getting a job or apartment)