Blood, sweat, and tears

Our first 5 weeks in Seattle haven't been 100% blood, sweat, and tears, but if you asked me how I felt about moving the day before we left St. Cloud, you would have found me curled up in a ball on the floor of our empty closet with wet, swollen eyes sobbing about how we're not going to make it.

Looking back on August of 2008, the days before I left New Berlin, Wisconsin for St. Cloud State University in Minnesota, I cannot recall how I felt about the whole thing. There was so much to prepare for in the days leading to my departure that by now everything in my memory is a blur. The only thing I remember is the moment I hugged my parents goodbye on campus; I saw their eyes getting wet and as they turned away, my own tears started flowing without my consent. I turned around and looked at Mitchell Hall, my new home, and never felt so alone in my life. There was not one person in the entire city who's name I knew besides my roommate's.

Four years of SCSU later I found myself with quality friendships, multiple jobs, internships, and a husband. Everything worked out. That first year was hard, and so was the last year, but everything worked out. I have to remember that while I'm in Seattle. I have to remember that every time that we move (because we plan on moving around a lot).

Tomorrow marks 5 weeks here. Yesterday, I was offered two part-time positions in my field. One is a graduate assistantship at Seattle University with the International Student Center and the other position is the Activities and Events Coordinator with South Seattle Community College.  I am delighted that my hard work and dedication paid off. Of course, I couldn't have done it with a little help from some new friends. Melissa was a girl in my summer class; she let me know about the International Student Center deciding to hire a second graduate assistant because she works there as one. Lindsey, another girl in my summer class, actually works in the same office at South Seattle Community College, where I got my position, and put in good words for me. Thank you so much, you two! I appreciate your help and support.

Tonight we're going out for food and drinks, partially because I haven't seen people from my class in a while, partially because I want to go out and celebrate getting job(S)!

It's been such a productive week, I feel incredible. My Google calendar is filling up nicely again. Remember this?

August 2011 - May 2012: Every waking second I either worked or did homework.

Yeah I don't ever want to go back to that. But the past 5 weeks my Google Calendar has been anxiety-provoking-ly EMPTY. I'll have to remember to keep a healthy balance. Being under-involved makes me lonely, being overly-involved makes me crazy. Two jobs, grad school, and a few volunteer hours each week should keep me well balanced, I think.

Going back to the post title: blood, sweat, and tears. I shed so many tears in the past few months. In May it was because of all the difficult goodbyes I had to face, in June it was because I lacked hope and felt in dispair without friends or an income. It's July now and my blood, sweat, and tears have pulled through for me with jobs and new friends. I'm so fortunate and grateful that things are working out. Now if only an employer would see Zach's resume and recognize his genius and glory so we're both employed!

Today I have some appointments on campus and I'm going to take care of some things there. Tomorrow I head over to South Seattle Community College to fill out some hiring paperwork. I start next week at SSCC and my first day at the ISC at SU is August 27! I'm proud of myself.

Our Journey So Far...

Well.
We have a place to live in Seattle now. It's right downtown in an incredibly convenient location. We can take a 15 minute walk to Pike Place Market and I can walk to class in about 15 minutes as well. A lady called Zach back in response to some apartment inquiries and she was very happy to work with us. The stress of finding a place to live is over, but the stress of finding employment is growing.

I have applied to many positions: all positions that I would love to have and commit myself to. I think it is close to 40 or 50 so far (I've lost count of a few). However, it's been difficult without a Seattle address; I think employers just don't bother with our applications sometimes because our location is out of state. We have enough money saved up for several months of rent, so as long as we find a job within those first few months, we should be fine. At this point I'm going to start applying to wave-slave jobs in order for us to keep our head above water. Ugh cover letters are my enemy! Only because I always want them to be perfect and it takes me about 3 to 4 hours just to do one of them.

For the past few nights we had stayed in Moorhead, Minnesota with our great friend Lars and helped him move in while he let us stay with him. Right now we're in Medora, North Dakota visiting and staying with our friends Bretta and Dylan. I got incredibly sunburnt on the very first day, unfortunately, but we have some fun things planned such as hikes and possibly an excursion to Dickenson, ND for tattoos...

From here, we're driving out to Bozeman, Montana early Wednesday morning. It should take us about 8 hours to get there, I think. We'll stay in a hotel there, and hopefully head out early Thursday morning for the nearly 8 hour drive to Spokane, Washington where Zach's dad lives. We have a meeting with our landlord at 1pm in Seattle on Friday so that morning we'll leave Spokane early and get there in time to meet her. After 8 days of homelessness, we'll finally be in our new Seattle studio!

The pets have behaved surprisingly well on this long trip. There were a few times that Odin was spooked and/or meowed nonstop for a long time, but for the most part Feared Kraken (our bearded dragon) will bask in the sun on our dashboard and Odin will sleep on the armrest between the driver and the passenger seat. Here he is snoozing amongst some of the crap we have stuffed in the backseat:

Our new studio is kind of small, but Zach and I have never needed all that much space. I'm a little heartbroken we couldn't find a place with a patio or at least huge windows, but this was still an incredible gem to find, especially with it's incredible location and unbelievable price. I hope Odin likes it! Here's the floor plan:

It's June 4th today, meaning my summer class starts in exactly 10 days. I still have to finish reading the textbook due, but it shouldn't be a problem. I'm so nervous about this class! This course is available to both first years and second years, so there will be people A LOT more experienced than me in the class. How nerve-wracking! I have to get my act together as soon as I get there. Ah! I don't know how graduate students are supposed to be, I've never been one before!

To be honest, the night before we moved out I had a little break down at the horrifying thought of moving across the country to a huge city where nothing and nobody is familiar to us; plus we had no jobs and not all that much money. I just lost all hope and faith in our ability to make it. I'm ashamed of it now, because I'm incredibly confident in Zach and I as a team, but I do still think about it and wonder if it was warranted. I try to be so carefree, but something always stops me. I suppose that's the healthiest way to be: a bit cautious, a bit carefree. Oh how I over-analyze everything that doesn't need to be.


This is it, I've come to realize. This whole cross-country move. This is what I've been dreaming of for years and years: getting rid of almost everything I own, jumping on a freeway and driving for hours on end, to end up in a coastal city of opportunity, where I can start a whole new chapter of my life. My SCSU chapter has really been- erm, was, I guess- amazing. Absolutely amazing. I may have complained a lot during my 4 year stay, but I learned more than I ever thought possible. And the people I met? The people I met will stay with me for the rest of my life, whether we stay in touch or not. St. Cloud was where I found myself. Seattle will be where I build myself up from there.
And who knows what the rest of my life will bring?
All I know is I'm not going to tie myself down anywhere. The world is far to large to stay in one place and study one thing. I want to know it all, I want to bring my kids everywhere and teach them everything. I want to experience multiple cultures, I want to befriend people I never thought I'd get along with. I'm so damn young, which makes this whole thing so damn exciting! As I've said to Zach and would now like to remind myself: WE ARE MADE OF STARS. ★★★

In other news, I woke up yesterday with my next tattoo design all figured out in my head. If I find time today, I think I shall try and sketch it.

And with that, I'll end this post.
Here is some love: take it with you and spread it around today :)

Re-orienting ourselves

Just transferring over some noteworthy posts from Wordpress. I'm probably deleting my Wordpress soon; Blogger is easier to figure out, for me, and its attached to all my other Google applications.

21 August 2011


I wasn’t sure what to expect as an Orientation Leader for incoming freshman this weekend. We had training all week, and it was in a lot of areas with which I was already familiar, but I still just couldn’t figure out what this was going to be like.

Could I console worried parents? Would I make sense in my casual jargon with students who have never been here before? I suppose I mostly questioned my confidence. Throughout the entire weekend I had flashbacks to my own first weekend at SCSU as a freshman. How scared I was, how confused I was, how downright awful and awkward I was. I’m really really proud of myself for connecting with some of these girls and really helping them out. I feel so accomplished for what I did for them, it just feels so good. We had a really good day getting to know each other and getting to know campus; I found their classes with them and answered their numerous questions about how things work around SCSU.

I think the only difficult part of the day was seeing sobbing moms. I walked past a dad hugging a mom saying “she’s going to be allright. She’s going to be fine.” and he looked at me as I passed to ask “she’s going to be okay, right?” I don’t know if he was asking that for himself, or his wife, but I answered “oh yes, she is in great hands and she’ll be just fine,” with a smile. At that point the mom took her head out of the dad’s shoulder and looked at me. Her sunglasses couldn’t hide the wet cheeks. I had to look away because I choked up! My parents and I teared up when we parted ways. I was so scared and alone, and this was the first experience they had parting with a child so permanently.

To some extent, I’ve gained some kind of closure by being an orientation leader for my last year here. I came full circle starting from an incoming, orientating freshman to a leader of orientation activities, and it feels good. I’m glad I got that little taste of proof that I’m really as old as I am. It’ll be a reminder for the year that I’m graduating and should find a way to get my shit together and keep it together.

I’m exhausted, but the weekend was truly worth it. I’d do it again in a heartbeat. Hell, probably even for free.

"Home is where the heart is."

And my heart lies with Zach.

I really don't believe that there is a city out there, in this vast world, that I'll comfortably call "home." I just don't.  I don't need a place to label "home" when I have everything I need. Well, almost everything. I'm trying to learn to live with that I have and appreciate the little things; aren't we all? I don't want to call New Berlin my home. Its not. I don't feel at home there and I never have. St. Cloud? Sure, I lived here 4 years, but it is just another place I reside; St. Cloud is no home to me. However, I'm going to miss St. Cloud when I leave it more than I missed New Berlin when I left WI.

Honestly, though, I'm a lucky girl.
When I think real hard about it, all I need is Zach. He keeps me happy, keeps me thinking, keeps me on my toes, and loves me unconditionally. Every day I wrack my brain trying to come up with SOMEthing to show him I care, SOMEthing to show him how much he means to me, but nothing can amount.

With everything going on at Wall Street and other various corners of the world, I can't believe I still struggle with sweating the small stuff.

Some day, I will learn.

Some day, I will be the person I want to be.

Some day. It is going to happen.