Overworked and underpaid; hello, I am a student.
I stay up too late and get up too early. I work hard to learn what I wish, and slack off on general education classes. I don't have all my priorities straight, and I'm still trying to figure myself out. Sometimes alcohol is my friend, other times my worst enemy.
At 2:00am I could be at the bars, or in the library. I'm pretty sure the coffee shop calls my name. Am I sick, or is it just lack of sleep? Oh how I wish I never had to get out of bed.
I miss my family. I'm nostalgic for a past life, and yet I believe the longer I'm here, the better my present and future will be. What do I want to major in? Where will I be 4 years from now? Do you think I'll meet my future spouse here?
I must go abroad. This place opens my eyes and opens my heart to the world.
I have too many advisers that don't advise. Just get me out of here for a while!
Here's to random road trips across the state to take a break from studying. Here's to taking off our pajama pants to meet a friend at the pubs. Here's to getting involved and loving every second of it. Here's to meeting the most amazing people of our lives. Here's to meeting our future husband or wife. Here's to music, here's to laughter, here's to love, here's to the future.
Who was I before I came here? I'm not entirely sure.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Hypocrites and limbos.
When your mantra is "keep calm and carry on" but you freak out and cry when the stress becomes unbearable.
When you try to be involved and passionate, taking on more responsibilities, only to realize you hate it.
When you're mad at your friends for bailing on you, only to bail on your friends.
When you're stuck choosing between letting your grades fall or taking care of your health.
When you want to be "in the moment" but you can't stop getting lost in nostalgia or thinking about your future out of this city and away from everything you know now.
When you give advice like "roll with the punches" but you'd rather get punched.
When you want to be happy but can't turn off the sad music.
When you tell your friend you need help only to realize she does too and you can't help her.
When your 18 year old hyperthyroidic cat is puking and pooping everywhere making you miserable and more stressed but you don't have the heart to put him down.
When you want to start up an sophisticated blog but can't help posting emotional rants.
When you try to be involved and passionate, taking on more responsibilities, only to realize you hate it.
When you're mad at your friends for bailing on you, only to bail on your friends.
When you're stuck choosing between letting your grades fall or taking care of your health.
When you want to be "in the moment" but you can't stop getting lost in nostalgia or thinking about your future out of this city and away from everything you know now.
When you give advice like "roll with the punches" but you'd rather get punched.
When you want to be happy but can't turn off the sad music.
When you tell your friend you need help only to realize she does too and you can't help her.
When your 18 year old hyperthyroidic cat is puking and pooping everywhere making you miserable and more stressed but you don't have the heart to put him down.
When you want to start up an sophisticated blog but can't help posting emotional rants.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Marriage.
I'm no expert on marriage, let me just put that out there. I've been married for just about 7 months now and that doesn't mean I know everything about it. It also doesn't mean I affiliate with what it stands for in a religious sense. Before I state my meaning, lets all be clear about what marriage means:
We all have our opinions, we all have our reasons for what we do. As much as I hate the fact that not everyone is allowed to marry the one they love in this country, Zach and I got married to legally, socially, and emotionally express our love and utter devotion to each other. NOT because we are religious, NOT because we wanted benefits, NOT because I was rebelling against my family, NOT for any other reason besides those listed above. I was/am so committed to him that I was willing to legally contract our relationship, and so was he.
Marriage is whatever you decide to make it: spiritual, legal, emotional, economical.
I strongly encourage everyone to rethink marriage and what it really means to them. Are you waiting for the wrong reasons? Did you get married for the wrong reasons?
On the notion of marriage, I will continue.
LOVE IS LOVE, no matter who or what you are.
Homosexuality exists in almost every single species: homophobia exists in only one. Ours. We created marriage to legally contract the union of two people. WHY are we denying this to a large population of the country? I will never again refer to America as the land of the free when LGBT couples are refused the right to marry.
How would you feel if you were denied the right to do something due to something about you that is out of your control? I'm sorry, you can't get a promotion because you're too short and it would make the company look bad. I'm sorry, you cannot work for the church maintenance because you're an atheist. I'm sorry, you cannot fly on this plane because you look like a terrorist. I'm sorry, you cannot legally, emotionally, and socially bind your relationship because you're not heterosexual.
GAY, STRAIGHT, BLACK, WHITE
MARRIAGE IS A CIVIL RIGHT
A good friend of mine is refusing to get married to her fiance until everyone in this country is allowed to. I'm with her 100% of the way.
Marriage is a social union or legal contract between people that creates kinship. It is an institution in which interpersonal relationships, usually intimate and sexual, are acknowledged in a variety of ways, depending on the culture or subculture in which it is found.
People marry for many reasons, including one or more of the following: legal, social, libidinal, emotional, economic, spiritual, and religious. Some cultures allow the dissolution of marriage through divorce or annulment.
Marriage is usually recognized by the state, a religious authority, or both. It is often viewed as a contract. Civil marriage is the legal concept of marriage as a governmental institution irrespective of religious affiliation, in accordance with marriage laws of the jurisdiction.
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage)
We all have our opinions, we all have our reasons for what we do. As much as I hate the fact that not everyone is allowed to marry the one they love in this country, Zach and I got married to legally, socially, and emotionally express our love and utter devotion to each other. NOT because we are religious, NOT because we wanted benefits, NOT because I was rebelling against my family, NOT for any other reason besides those listed above. I was/am so committed to him that I was willing to legally contract our relationship, and so was he.
"But why did you get married so young? Why didn't you wait? Why didn't you wait until at least after graduation?"Someone please tell me what I was supposed to "wait" for. If we were sure of ourselves, lacking any interest in a large wedding, and ready to bring our relationship to the next level... why should we have waited? What would waiting have benefited? Nothing whatsoever. We talked about marriage back in December of 2009, almost a year after our relationship began, and didn't get married until March 2011 and that is enough waiting for me. The more I think about it, the more outright PROUD I am of us for getting married when we did. For being sure of ourselves, for moving forward with what we thought was right, for not letting others strong arm our personal lives and opinions.
"but you're so selfish! didn't you want family there? didn't you want me there? didn't you want more friends there?"I'm sorry, but are YOU the one getting married? I didn't think so. A legal contract to swear our lives to each other, swear eternal love for each other, and eternal commitment has nothing to do with anyone but the two people who are agreeing to it.
Marriage is whatever you decide to make it: spiritual, legal, emotional, economical.
I strongly encourage everyone to rethink marriage and what it really means to them. Are you waiting for the wrong reasons? Did you get married for the wrong reasons?
On the notion of marriage, I will continue.
LOVE IS LOVE, no matter who or what you are.
Homosexuality exists in almost every single species: homophobia exists in only one. Ours. We created marriage to legally contract the union of two people. WHY are we denying this to a large population of the country? I will never again refer to America as the land of the free when LGBT couples are refused the right to marry.
How would you feel if you were denied the right to do something due to something about you that is out of your control? I'm sorry, you can't get a promotion because you're too short and it would make the company look bad. I'm sorry, you cannot work for the church maintenance because you're an atheist. I'm sorry, you cannot fly on this plane because you look like a terrorist. I'm sorry, you cannot legally, emotionally, and socially bind your relationship because you're not heterosexual.
GAY, STRAIGHT, BLACK, WHITE
MARRIAGE IS A CIVIL RIGHT
A good friend of mine is refusing to get married to her fiance until everyone in this country is allowed to. I'm with her 100% of the way.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Thoughts
Just one more wordpress post I wanted to save:
29 July 2011
I constantly have so much in my head. Swirling around and usually making no sense, but still managing to stress me out. And the moment I think “hey, writing it all down might help,” I get to a computer and my mind either goes blank, or won’t focus on one thought for more than a few seconds. I end up typing a sentence and deleting it, over, and over, and over again. As you can imagine it is quite frustrating. Especially because in the end, I don’t feel any better.
Today, though, I’ve been thinking a lot about sexuality.
I have several friends who identify in the LGBT community and there is a pride parade going on today on campus. Though I called myself “straight” until I was about 18 years old, I am really happy with my decision to stop labeling myself. It wasn’t exactly that I came to any realization that I wasn’t straight, I just realized over time that in my case, it didn’t need a label. Yes, I find myself attracted to men and women, but no, I don’t need to label it bisexual. Honestly, its partially due to the fact that a lot of people think those who identify as bisexual are either sluts or looking for attention, both of which I am not. As I said earlier, I don’t need a label.
In fact I despise labels. They only cause problems. Are you gay or straight? Pro-life or pro-choice? Republican or democrat? I feel like the constant need for us to ask these questions in order to get to know someone just hinder relationships from building and causing problems all around. Haven’t we said for years that nothing is black and white? How about this instead, we screw labels and just discuss our beliefs the way they are? If two people don’t agree, it can be because they talked it over and don’t have the same beliefs, and not because, before they even met them, they figured out they had a bad label. If that makes any sense. *sigh*
Unfortunately labels make things easier. As I realized right after I finished that sentence.
Moving along…
I think the identity crisis I experienced shortly after moving out of my parent’s house and that is still going on to this day, is really helping me become the person I want to be. I grew up in a home where my opinions, my beliefs, and my schedule were given to me and I wasn’t allowed to question them. You can imagine how exhilarating and horrifying it was to move 450 miles away from home and realize that I was indeed allowed to make my own decisions. You can also imagine how many bad decisions I made at first; all of that power and I didn’t know what to do with it or how to control it.
Lately I’ve been really hard on myself. Well, I’m always really hard on myself. But writing this post helped me a little. I’ve come to realize that I’m still in the process of creating myself. For 18 years I didn’t do that, I was the person my parents told me to be. (Though I did rebel, I still lacked personality and opinion.) And its not going to take a few short years to figure out who I am and what I need to change in order to become comfortable in my own skin. I have to have patience and allow myself to explore every corner of the world, every opportunity that comes, and every option I can take.
29 July 2011
I constantly have so much in my head. Swirling around and usually making no sense, but still managing to stress me out. And the moment I think “hey, writing it all down might help,” I get to a computer and my mind either goes blank, or won’t focus on one thought for more than a few seconds. I end up typing a sentence and deleting it, over, and over, and over again. As you can imagine it is quite frustrating. Especially because in the end, I don’t feel any better.
Today, though, I’ve been thinking a lot about sexuality.
I have several friends who identify in the LGBT community and there is a pride parade going on today on campus. Though I called myself “straight” until I was about 18 years old, I am really happy with my decision to stop labeling myself. It wasn’t exactly that I came to any realization that I wasn’t straight, I just realized over time that in my case, it didn’t need a label. Yes, I find myself attracted to men and women, but no, I don’t need to label it bisexual. Honestly, its partially due to the fact that a lot of people think those who identify as bisexual are either sluts or looking for attention, both of which I am not. As I said earlier, I don’t need a label.
In fact I despise labels. They only cause problems. Are you gay or straight? Pro-life or pro-choice? Republican or democrat? I feel like the constant need for us to ask these questions in order to get to know someone just hinder relationships from building and causing problems all around. Haven’t we said for years that nothing is black and white? How about this instead, we screw labels and just discuss our beliefs the way they are? If two people don’t agree, it can be because they talked it over and don’t have the same beliefs, and not because, before they even met them, they figured out they had a bad label. If that makes any sense. *sigh*
Unfortunately labels make things easier. As I realized right after I finished that sentence.
Moving along…
I think the identity crisis I experienced shortly after moving out of my parent’s house and that is still going on to this day, is really helping me become the person I want to be. I grew up in a home where my opinions, my beliefs, and my schedule were given to me and I wasn’t allowed to question them. You can imagine how exhilarating and horrifying it was to move 450 miles away from home and realize that I was indeed allowed to make my own decisions. You can also imagine how many bad decisions I made at first; all of that power and I didn’t know what to do with it or how to control it.
Lately I’ve been really hard on myself. Well, I’m always really hard on myself. But writing this post helped me a little. I’ve come to realize that I’m still in the process of creating myself. For 18 years I didn’t do that, I was the person my parents told me to be. (Though I did rebel, I still lacked personality and opinion.) And its not going to take a few short years to figure out who I am and what I need to change in order to become comfortable in my own skin. I have to have patience and allow myself to explore every corner of the world, every opportunity that comes, and every option I can take.
Re-orienting ourselves
Just transferring over some noteworthy posts from Wordpress. I'm probably deleting my Wordpress soon; Blogger is easier to figure out, for me, and its attached to all my other Google applications.
21 August 2011
I wasn’t sure what to expect as an Orientation Leader for incoming freshman this weekend. We had training all week, and it was in a lot of areas with which I was already familiar, but I still just couldn’t figure out what this was going to be like.
Could I console worried parents? Would I make sense in my casual jargon with students who have never been here before? I suppose I mostly questioned my confidence. Throughout the entire weekend I had flashbacks to my own first weekend at SCSU as a freshman. How scared I was, how confused I was, how downright awful and awkward I was. I’m really really proud of myself for connecting with some of these girls and really helping them out. I feel so accomplished for what I did for them, it just feels so good. We had a really good day getting to know each other and getting to know campus; I found their classes with them and answered their numerous questions about how things work around SCSU.
I think the only difficult part of the day was seeing sobbing moms. I walked past a dad hugging a mom saying “she’s going to be allright. She’s going to be fine.” and he looked at me as I passed to ask “she’s going to be okay, right?” I don’t know if he was asking that for himself, or his wife, but I answered “oh yes, she is in great hands and she’ll be just fine,” with a smile. At that point the mom took her head out of the dad’s shoulder and looked at me. Her sunglasses couldn’t hide the wet cheeks. I had to look away because I choked up! My parents and I teared up when we parted ways. I was so scared and alone, and this was the first experience they had parting with a child so permanently.
To some extent, I’ve gained some kind of closure by being an orientation leader for my last year here. I came full circle starting from an incoming, orientating freshman to a leader of orientation activities, and it feels good. I’m glad I got that little taste of proof that I’m really as old as I am. It’ll be a reminder for the year that I’m graduating and should find a way to get my shit together and keep it together.
I’m exhausted, but the weekend was truly worth it. I’d do it again in a heartbeat. Hell, probably even for free.
21 August 2011
I wasn’t sure what to expect as an Orientation Leader for incoming freshman this weekend. We had training all week, and it was in a lot of areas with which I was already familiar, but I still just couldn’t figure out what this was going to be like.
Could I console worried parents? Would I make sense in my casual jargon with students who have never been here before? I suppose I mostly questioned my confidence. Throughout the entire weekend I had flashbacks to my own first weekend at SCSU as a freshman. How scared I was, how confused I was, how downright awful and awkward I was. I’m really really proud of myself for connecting with some of these girls and really helping them out. I feel so accomplished for what I did for them, it just feels so good. We had a really good day getting to know each other and getting to know campus; I found their classes with them and answered their numerous questions about how things work around SCSU.
I think the only difficult part of the day was seeing sobbing moms. I walked past a dad hugging a mom saying “she’s going to be allright. She’s going to be fine.” and he looked at me as I passed to ask “she’s going to be okay, right?” I don’t know if he was asking that for himself, or his wife, but I answered “oh yes, she is in great hands and she’ll be just fine,” with a smile. At that point the mom took her head out of the dad’s shoulder and looked at me. Her sunglasses couldn’t hide the wet cheeks. I had to look away because I choked up! My parents and I teared up when we parted ways. I was so scared and alone, and this was the first experience they had parting with a child so permanently.
To some extent, I’ve gained some kind of closure by being an orientation leader for my last year here. I came full circle starting from an incoming, orientating freshman to a leader of orientation activities, and it feels good. I’m glad I got that little taste of proof that I’m really as old as I am. It’ll be a reminder for the year that I’m graduating and should find a way to get my shit together and keep it together.
I’m exhausted, but the weekend was truly worth it. I’d do it again in a heartbeat. Hell, probably even for free.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Trust.
It is something I have always been wary of.
Wary of trust, you say?
Yes.
Do people trust me? Do I trust others? How do I make this person trust me? What if I'm not trust-worthy?? What do I do??
It is a horrifying concept to me. My mind races constantly, and the majority of my greatest fears revolve around relationships. You can just imagine what goes through my head every second of the day. In fact, it is rare that I can pay attention in class because of how much I worry.
I'm working on it. That is about all I can do right now.
This post has been inspired by a recent event:
I recently have been trusted with the knowledge of a very personal experience of a friend of mine. A friend who I have known for some time and have wanted to get closer to, has revealed something about her/himself that is probably the hardest thing that s/he will experience in her/his entire life, and so far I'm only one of two people who know besides him/herself.
As we talked yesterday, I cried, I laughed, I jumped around, I didn't know what was the right reaction, so I'm lucky it was over instant messaging; but I was so full of emotion I just did not know what to do. My physical and emotional reactions were mostly due to the topic of conversation, but a part of my emotional overload was also the shock and pride that someone would trust me with such information. I stayed up quite late just thinking about it:
How have my relationships affected his/her decision to tell me over anyone else? Did s/he not trust me enough to say it to my face, or was instant messaging more convenient? How will our relationship develop from here?
Above all my doubts,
I'm proud.
I can assure myself that I have done something right for once. I have created a trusting relationship. I have, in someone's eyes, become a trustworthy person. I am excited and very much looking forward to the future of this relationship. Through thick and thin I will stand by my friend and hold him/her up if s/he needs it.
The future looks more and more inspiring.
........................
I tend to question my decision to major in community psychology, but with posts like this, I have no doubt where my heart lies.
Wary of trust, you say?
Yes.
Do people trust me? Do I trust others? How do I make this person trust me? What if I'm not trust-worthy?? What do I do??
It is a horrifying concept to me. My mind races constantly, and the majority of my greatest fears revolve around relationships. You can just imagine what goes through my head every second of the day. In fact, it is rare that I can pay attention in class because of how much I worry.
I'm working on it. That is about all I can do right now.
This post has been inspired by a recent event:
I recently have been trusted with the knowledge of a very personal experience of a friend of mine. A friend who I have known for some time and have wanted to get closer to, has revealed something about her/himself that is probably the hardest thing that s/he will experience in her/his entire life, and so far I'm only one of two people who know besides him/herself.
As we talked yesterday, I cried, I laughed, I jumped around, I didn't know what was the right reaction, so I'm lucky it was over instant messaging; but I was so full of emotion I just did not know what to do. My physical and emotional reactions were mostly due to the topic of conversation, but a part of my emotional overload was also the shock and pride that someone would trust me with such information. I stayed up quite late just thinking about it:
How have my relationships affected his/her decision to tell me over anyone else? Did s/he not trust me enough to say it to my face, or was instant messaging more convenient? How will our relationship develop from here?
Above all my doubts,
I'm proud.
I can assure myself that I have done something right for once. I have created a trusting relationship. I have, in someone's eyes, become a trustworthy person. I am excited and very much looking forward to the future of this relationship. Through thick and thin I will stand by my friend and hold him/her up if s/he needs it.
The future looks more and more inspiring.
........................
I tend to question my decision to major in community psychology, but with posts like this, I have no doubt where my heart lies.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
"Home is where the heart is."
And my heart lies with Zach.
I really don't believe that there is a city out there, in this vast world, that I'll comfortably call "home." I just don't. I don't need a place to label "home" when I have everything I need. Well, almost everything. I'm trying to learn to live with that I have and appreciate the little things; aren't we all? I don't want to call New Berlin my home. Its not. I don't feel at home there and I never have. St. Cloud? Sure, I lived here 4 years, but it is just another place I reside; St. Cloud is no home to me. However, I'm going to miss St. Cloud when I leave it more than I missed New Berlin when I left WI.
Honestly, though, I'm a lucky girl.
When I think real hard about it, all I need is Zach. He keeps me happy, keeps me thinking, keeps me on my toes, and loves me unconditionally. Every day I wrack my brain trying to come up with SOMEthing to show him I care, SOMEthing to show him how much he means to me, but nothing can amount.
With everything going on at Wall Street and other various corners of the world, I can't believe I still struggle with sweating the small stuff.
Some day, I will learn.
Some day, I will be the person I want to be.
Some day. It is going to happen.
I really don't believe that there is a city out there, in this vast world, that I'll comfortably call "home." I just don't. I don't need a place to label "home" when I have everything I need. Well, almost everything. I'm trying to learn to live with that I have and appreciate the little things; aren't we all? I don't want to call New Berlin my home. Its not. I don't feel at home there and I never have. St. Cloud? Sure, I lived here 4 years, but it is just another place I reside; St. Cloud is no home to me. However, I'm going to miss St. Cloud when I leave it more than I missed New Berlin when I left WI.
Honestly, though, I'm a lucky girl.
When I think real hard about it, all I need is Zach. He keeps me happy, keeps me thinking, keeps me on my toes, and loves me unconditionally. Every day I wrack my brain trying to come up with SOMEthing to show him I care, SOMEthing to show him how much he means to me, but nothing can amount.
With everything going on at Wall Street and other various corners of the world, I can't believe I still struggle with sweating the small stuff.
Some day, I will learn.
Some day, I will be the person I want to be.
Some day. It is going to happen.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)