Our Journey So Far...

Well.
We have a place to live in Seattle now. It's right downtown in an incredibly convenient location. We can take a 15 minute walk to Pike Place Market and I can walk to class in about 15 minutes as well. A lady called Zach back in response to some apartment inquiries and she was very happy to work with us. The stress of finding a place to live is over, but the stress of finding employment is growing.

I have applied to many positions: all positions that I would love to have and commit myself to. I think it is close to 40 or 50 so far (I've lost count of a few). However, it's been difficult without a Seattle address; I think employers just don't bother with our applications sometimes because our location is out of state. We have enough money saved up for several months of rent, so as long as we find a job within those first few months, we should be fine. At this point I'm going to start applying to wave-slave jobs in order for us to keep our head above water. Ugh cover letters are my enemy! Only because I always want them to be perfect and it takes me about 3 to 4 hours just to do one of them.

For the past few nights we had stayed in Moorhead, Minnesota with our great friend Lars and helped him move in while he let us stay with him. Right now we're in Medora, North Dakota visiting and staying with our friends Bretta and Dylan. I got incredibly sunburnt on the very first day, unfortunately, but we have some fun things planned such as hikes and possibly an excursion to Dickenson, ND for tattoos...

From here, we're driving out to Bozeman, Montana early Wednesday morning. It should take us about 8 hours to get there, I think. We'll stay in a hotel there, and hopefully head out early Thursday morning for the nearly 8 hour drive to Spokane, Washington where Zach's dad lives. We have a meeting with our landlord at 1pm in Seattle on Friday so that morning we'll leave Spokane early and get there in time to meet her. After 8 days of homelessness, we'll finally be in our new Seattle studio!

The pets have behaved surprisingly well on this long trip. There were a few times that Odin was spooked and/or meowed nonstop for a long time, but for the most part Feared Kraken (our bearded dragon) will bask in the sun on our dashboard and Odin will sleep on the armrest between the driver and the passenger seat. Here he is snoozing amongst some of the crap we have stuffed in the backseat:

Our new studio is kind of small, but Zach and I have never needed all that much space. I'm a little heartbroken we couldn't find a place with a patio or at least huge windows, but this was still an incredible gem to find, especially with it's incredible location and unbelievable price. I hope Odin likes it! Here's the floor plan:

It's June 4th today, meaning my summer class starts in exactly 10 days. I still have to finish reading the textbook due, but it shouldn't be a problem. I'm so nervous about this class! This course is available to both first years and second years, so there will be people A LOT more experienced than me in the class. How nerve-wracking! I have to get my act together as soon as I get there. Ah! I don't know how graduate students are supposed to be, I've never been one before!

To be honest, the night before we moved out I had a little break down at the horrifying thought of moving across the country to a huge city where nothing and nobody is familiar to us; plus we had no jobs and not all that much money. I just lost all hope and faith in our ability to make it. I'm ashamed of it now, because I'm incredibly confident in Zach and I as a team, but I do still think about it and wonder if it was warranted. I try to be so carefree, but something always stops me. I suppose that's the healthiest way to be: a bit cautious, a bit carefree. Oh how I over-analyze everything that doesn't need to be.


This is it, I've come to realize. This whole cross-country move. This is what I've been dreaming of for years and years: getting rid of almost everything I own, jumping on a freeway and driving for hours on end, to end up in a coastal city of opportunity, where I can start a whole new chapter of my life. My SCSU chapter has really been- erm, was, I guess- amazing. Absolutely amazing. I may have complained a lot during my 4 year stay, but I learned more than I ever thought possible. And the people I met? The people I met will stay with me for the rest of my life, whether we stay in touch or not. St. Cloud was where I found myself. Seattle will be where I build myself up from there.
And who knows what the rest of my life will bring?
All I know is I'm not going to tie myself down anywhere. The world is far to large to stay in one place and study one thing. I want to know it all, I want to bring my kids everywhere and teach them everything. I want to experience multiple cultures, I want to befriend people I never thought I'd get along with. I'm so damn young, which makes this whole thing so damn exciting! As I've said to Zach and would now like to remind myself: WE ARE MADE OF STARS. ★★★

In other news, I woke up yesterday with my next tattoo design all figured out in my head. If I find time today, I think I shall try and sketch it.

And with that, I'll end this post.
Here is some love: take it with you and spread it around today :)

Accepting Love

I saw this photo and text on Tumblr, and was intrigued by the underlying message that I can heavily relate to. As a person who has experienced debilitating self-consciousness, this saying reminds me of exactly how I felt, and sometimes still feel, about my self-worth. 

Over the years I've had a hard time getting close to people as fast as I deem to be normal. I'm a pro pessimist, always assuming people don't like me from the get go and I therefore have to prove something to them; that I'm worth it, that I'm not stupid, that I'm not dumb. I literally, perhaps unconsciously, discourage people from having a friendship with me because I feel as though I don't deserve their love and kindness.

Love

is something I need to learn to accept and I need to learn to effectively distribute.

This photo I found on Tumblr was a great reminder of a fundamental trait I have that needs improvement. It seems easy, but I think it's going to take some practice. I want more than anything to shower my friends and family in love, but I've never been able to do it. I've always shied away, assumed they had better friends that love them, assumed I was annoying to them. I honestly thought I didn't deserve their love and kindness.

Writing it out like this makes the idea so pathetic.

It's bullshit.

I say

When it comes down to it, throw away the phrase on that photo. Burn it and bury it. Instead, believe that everyone deserves unlimited amounts of love, and everyone is capable of dishing out the same spectacular amount.

Love is limitless, and I want to take advantage of it.

Post-graduation weekend

I can't believe it's all over.
I have been waiting for this weekend for four years. I remember when 2012 seemed so far into the future, and sometimes I'm still in shock that it's already 2012.

Friday night we hung out at our apartment with a lot of friends, some in town only for the weekend, others that we were graduating with. It was wonderful socializing at our place over drinks and games. I had to force myself not to think about leaving everyone in less than a month, or else I would have become incredibly emotional.

Saturday I slept in late because I was in the afternoon commencement ceremony. I met briefly with my family, who arrived in town late Friday, and before I knew it I had to start getting dressed and putting on my cap and gown. Running late as we normally do, Zach, Tara and I got there just in time to get to the end of the School of Liberal Arts line to start filing in to Halenbeck gym, where everything was taking place. We sat in the very last row of the sea of graduates, shaking and chatting the whole time. The ceremony itself wasn't very memorable to me, but seeing myself and my friends in that cap and gown was definitely a memory I'll never forget. The symbolism of it will be with me forever. Because of our position in the gym, I was very close to my family; looking back at them every once and a while, and catching them smiling and looking at me, made me feel so fortunate, loved, and proud of my accomplishments. I truly was holding back a waterfall of emotions in those moments.

Walking up to the stage was nerve-wracking. I couldn't stop thinking about how to walk in heels because I didn't want to be the one to trip across the stage. Commencement coordinators rushed us along, as to not stall the already outrageously long ceremony. I remember stopping at the bottom of the stairs, and looking up at the bright lights shining on Zach, President Potter, the provost, and others whom we shook hands with. They ushered me up the stairs and I couldn't even hear my name; I was concentrating so hard on smiling, not tripping, and grabbing the diploma in the right hand! Just before I headed down the stairs and off the stage, one of my favorite professors, head of the Faculty Association, got out of his seat on stage to come shake my hand. Dr. Mark Jaede was one of the first professors I had at SCSU; he taught LAST 250, Introduction to Latin American Studies my first semester. He was someone who reassured me I wanted to continue with Spanish and learn about Latin America. The fact that he was there in the beginning, as well as there in the end of my college career, was so meaningful to me.

At the bottom of the stairs my friend Victor, a university ambassador, was helping usher graduates to the photo backdrop. I hugged him and scooted along; paused for my picture; and went back to our seats.

And it was over. So suddenly.
One moment I was on stage, my heart beating so hard and fast, the next second I was back in my seat, glancing at Zach and Tara with teary eyes.

We hung out in the gym and took some pictures with friends and family. Everything was overwhelming, of course. Pictures with the family, the roommates, the inlaws; all of us were pulled in all directions, smiling like fools!

Soon after we took off to get to Fuji Japanese Steakhouse for dinner. Zach's family and my family went together and we got hibachi (YUM!). It was hard for all of us to talk because the place was PACKED; probably with families of graduates. I think it went well, though. I just wish our families could have socialized more.

After everyone parted ways, I made plans to have breakfast/lunch with my family the next day and Zach and I headed home to get ready for a party at a house we used to live in. It was an amazing time being back there, reliving some of the memories made and spending time with dear friends (who I'm going to miss like hell). 

The next day Zach and I met my family at IHOP and we got to catch up a little bit (over delicious pancakes). They had to leave right after, and it was hard for all of us. Before this weekend, I hadn't seen them for a whole year, and we haven't been good at communicating since. The goodbye, at least for me, was very emotional. This might be the last time I see them for the next 2 years minimum, unless they come out to Seattle and visit or I manage to make enough money to head back to the midwest.

And that was that. It's all over. Felt like it lasted all of 2 minutes. 

So now our lives move on to other things, I suppose.

Recording the events of this weekend has been hard to do, mentally, because of the emotions involved. It's starting to hit me now, that my undergraduate experience is over. I don't know any other me besides the me that is in class at SCSU and heavily involved. What will I do now? I'm quite terrified of having to get to know a whole new campus, and whole new city. 

Moving to Seattle is still coming together. We have lots of apartments we're interested in, and of course we're still sending out lots of job applications. I just signed up for a summer course in my program, and I'm excited to meet people and knock down a few credits before fall. 

Oh, it's my birthday, today. I'm 22 now. Do I feel 22? No. When people ask me how old I am, I almost have to count it out in order to avoid saying 19 or 20. Has that much time really passed since high school? Since Chile? I guess so. Time has flown, and just like everyone says, it's moving exponentially faster as I get older. Today I went to the Mall of America with my friends Bretta, Di, and Tara and I'm stoked about the two dresses I bought. Going to go put one on for dinner tonight.

Until the next chapter...

(I hope my next blog post is about me or Zach getting a job or apartment)

Goodbye, UPB

My very last UPB banquet is in an hour and 18 minutes.
Where has the time gone?

In anticipation, my memory takes me back to the 2009 banquet, the first one I went to. I was struggling in my heels just trying to walk from Mitchell Hall to Atwood Memorial Center, and Zach met me halfway. I still have the dress I wore that day. I didn't take any pictures, I hardly knew anyone. I remember being excited to spend time with Zach. I think I was still trying to win him over at that point.

This photo is from the 2010 banquet. I think we look so young! I remember having such a fun time and finally feeling like I fit in somewhere at SCSU. UPB turned out to be such a good thing for me. I've grown and learned so much from it.

Here's my friend Tara (and roommate right now) and I from last year's banquet. Another great banquet! I was reassured that I was in the right place, and I was incredibly excited to be the National Events coordinator for the following year. Finally, a position that aligned with my passions!

I cannot predict how this year's banquet is going to go. It's been an incredibly different year with department reorganization, budget cuts, and personality clashes. Though I had a somewhat hellish year juggling and understanding everything, I think this will still be incredibly emotional for me. Most of my friends are involved with UPB, most of my time has been spent in the UPB office, and all of the mentors I look up to have something to do with UPB.

My time with UPB has officially come to an end (besides the work I have yet to do for it this week). I have to learn to move on from it, and take my hard earned lessons with me.

Thanks to everyone who supported me; I cannot mean that more sincerely. Hugs and thanks just aren't enough for how grateful I am.

Death and Dying

This semester I took an elective course for my major called Psychology of Death and Dying. It sounds morbid, I know, but I didn't know much about death and wanted to see what this class had to offer about the subject.

A few minutes ago I completed my last activity paper for the class. Our activity papers reflect experiences such as those from our field trips (we went to St. Cloud Hospital, Quiet Oaks Hospice, and Benson Funeral Home so far) or something in our personal lives. I chose to write something more personal for my last activity paper, and I wanted to share it:

Experiences Surrounding Death in my own Family

My immediate family has little experience with death and this fact was a factor in my decision to take this course.  In our coursework for PSY 345 Psychology of Death and Dying, I have learned that death is a taboo subject and of reasons behind the idea.  I realize now that this fact was obvious to me growing up in the way my parents and relatives quietly avoided the subject.  Because of this, I understood very little about it, and was in fact not afraid of it. There are a few key instances that I recall where I learned what I know about death before this course.

One of my first memories with death was when our first family dog passed away. I was around 11 years old and my mom picked me up from school that day, which was a clue to me that something was amiss. I can still recall the exact part of Sunnyslope Road that we were driving on that day when she said, “We had to put Rod down” and started choking up.  Surprisingly, the news hit me immediately and I remember the constant streams of tears and questions for my mom “why? What happened? Was he too sick? Why couldn’t I say goodbye?”  When we got home, nobody wanted to talk about it. In fact, I cannot remember hardly any conversation about the fact that our dog was gone. A few weeks later, I realized that my dad had a canister on his desk, and he told me months later that it was Rod’s ashes.  It was rare that Rod came up in conversation, but when he did, my dad always contributed “he was a very good dog.”

Another experience with death was my best friend’s grandmother. It was around 7:00am and Erica and I were in the middle school math classroom together, waiting for classes to begin. She was wearing her glasses and not her contacts, and appeared disheveled.  As soon as I got close enough for conversation, she broke down crying and told me that her grandmother passed away.  My mouth gaped open for a while as I hugged her, but I could not console her.  I did not understand the pain associated with losing someone that close to you.  Erica was heavily involved in the funeral and gatherings planning; it was as though I watched her age faster for this time in her life. I watched her slowly heal throughout the next few months and I saw her begin to accept it and even start to talk about her grandmother in positive ways. It was through observing her experience that I came to understand the pain of death, the customs surrounding it, and how to cope.

The last key experience I have with death is the passing of my own grandfather. Prior to his death in September 2008, I remember over the summer overhearing my aunts discussing his worsening health condition. When I inquired as to what they meant and what medical terms they were talking about, they said they did not want to worry me. The only ones I remember was that his stomach was bloated, his body was retaining water there for some reason, and walking looked more painful than usual. I did not worry much beyond that day, though I did make sure to tell him I loved him and hugged him before I left. My grandfather survived triple bypass surgery, falling off a roof, cancer, stints in the valves of his heart, even more surgeries I cannot recall, and more. He even was playing Frisbee that last day I saw him; it was hard for me to believe a man with his strength would someday give out.  But, all good things must come to an end, and death is a fact of life. It was only a week or two after I arrived at SCSU, I hardly knew my way around and I did not have any friends yet. I was strolling through Atwood after class when I noticed I had several missed calls from my mom. I called her back, and she dropped the news. I cannot recall her exact words. After I understood the context of her news through her tears, everything is a blur.  I could not stand up, I felt as though I would crumble, so I had to sit on a bench outside of Atwood, a bench that I presently pass every day and every day I think about my grandfather when I see it.  The next day I found myself in a van with my cousins who live near Brainerd and we are hauling ourselves down to Milwaukee, Wisconsin for his funeral. With no prior experience of funerals, I did not understand how to act. I hardly remember the time we spent in the church; I just remember reading a passage in the bible at the podium: Ecclesiastes 3:1-15, A Time for Everything. At the wake, we all walked through a progression line of my grandfather’s children and my grandmother, hugging and sharing our condolences.  I only took a long glance at my grandfather in the coffin, for it was hard to see him like that. Some of my aunts put together beautiful photo boards with pictures of my grandfather throughout his life. I really appreciated that part of the wake because the pictures brought up good memories and funny stories. At the mausoleum later on, I sat with my extended family in the front of the facility. There were soldiers there to recognize my grandfather’s participation in the war. He even received a 21-gun salute and “Amazing Grace” on bagpipes, a song that makes me cry when I hear it even to this day. The healing process took a long time. My immediate family members would talk about it in short stints every once and a while. I believe that it helped a lot of us cope and heal by bringing up his name every once and a while to say we missed him or bring up a memory of him. These days my relatives will post on Facebook every once and a while that they miss him; one of my aunts just got a tattoo that has the word “Dad” in it, in memory of him.

Obviously, my grandfather’s death taught me the most about experiences surrounding death and dying and unfortunately that did not happen until I was 18 years old. I remember thinking “what did I know about death before this? What did I think this would be like?” I must have just been naïve; I certainly was when I lived with my overbearing parents.  Although it was tough to learn about death through experience and not instruction, it was the best way to comprehend completely the emotions associated with it. My experiences, in conjunction with this class, have made me more comfortable discussing the topic and I feel better prepared for the future.

Technology

I recently found out my Spanish major advisor doesn't have a cellphone and doesn't have Facebook. After she saw my astonished face when she shared this news, she explained how weird it is how reachable and public people's lives have become.

I realize this is the case, and it is a little scary. I've been transitioning from having mostly private profiles to  public profiles (like my new Twitter) mostly because I want to put my name out there professionally and have employers be able to find me and see what I'm about. I don't have anything to hide, and I'm proud of what I've accomplished. I don't want to hide that from someone who might hire me! Plus, I like to consider myself a social butterfly, and what better way to make friends than to put myself out there?

Though I'm sure I could live without a cellphone and without Facebook, the convenience is too great to give up, these days. Some people say Facebook is creepy and impersonal, but I disagree. Facebook is an easy way I have been able to keep up with those I care about. When I have free time at 2am, I cannot call my aunts and friends from back home, but I can send them a message or write on their wall. When it comes to phones, I like being available and reachable. I like that I can use my phone to look up a clinic number, call them to make an appointment, and arrive hours later, all in the same day. Some can argue that text messaging is impersonal as well, and I can agree that it's a cop out to actually making a phone call, but it's also incredibly convenient. I'm constantly answering quick questions, that would be a waste of a phone call, via text.  Not to mention, most plans have unlimited text messaging, but not unlimited hours to talk. As a financially struggling college student, yes I'm going to go the cheaper route. One thing I'd like to work on is texting less while in conversation. I want to be able to put my phone away whenever I'm spending time with someone in person, so that they feel more respected, and I'm more engaged in our reunion.

Why have we invented these technologies if we're not going to utilize them? As I mentioned, I completely understand the ideas behind those who are anti-cellphone and anti-Facebook, but I personally will happily utilize what is free and in front of me. I'm excited to be a part of this generation and being able to watch technology develop exponentially. What will they come up with next?

Question: What is your favorite or most utilized piece of technology? Anything goes: iPod, phone, computer, tablet, videogame, TV, et cetera.

Keep on keeping on

That's just about all I can tell myself to do these days.

I've said it before and I'll say it to myself a hundred times more: I'm never letting myself be involved in this much ever again. It's too much and my health has suffered greatly from it.

Though it's been painful, I have learned a lot this year. I wish I could say it was from my classes and from my experiences, but I've mostly learned a lot about myself, my breaking points, and the type of person I become in different environments. Maybe I've changed a lot, or maybe I've become more adaptable. I suppose I won't really be able to tell until this is all said and done and I can look back and analyze.

I called Seattle University early this week and finally got a more solid answer about when I might be informed of a change in my status for the graduate program I applied to. I had forgotten all about the special April 15 date that most graduate schools comply with where everyone invited to programs must accept or deny their invitation by that date. The director of this program emailed me himself and said the beginning of next week, I should know. After all this waiting, I guess I can spare a few more days.

The job search is not going well; more like it came to a halting stop right after spring break ended and my work multiplied nearly tenfold. I have saved a few jobs I want to apply to over these past few weeks, but I can't honestly say that I'll get to them before the application window closes. This really scares me since I really have to get moving on this. If Zach and I are really planning on moving to Seattle before or right after our lease is up on May 31 then it is time to crack down on plans.

I wish I had more exciting updates, but let's face it: I'm a college senior in the last 3 weeks of classes. There isn't much else I can concentrate on besides surviving work, class, and my internship.

Speaking of my internship, that has been going quite well. I think I'm close to 80 out of 100 hours done by now and the LGBT prom I've been planning is happening April 28. We have a fundraiser on the 24th at Five Guys Burgers and Fries because we're still short on the budget, but I have faith the event will be successful. After all, we decided even if only a few couples come, we're doing a good thing here!

Enough procrastination. Time to go read my favourite textbook (Personality Psychology).